so hey, once upon a tiem, there was like this place called MidGER and I was, liek, born in it. i didnt fit in with the other kids very well, especially not the girls, but DONT LET IT FOOL YOU. i am sassy and smart and can kick a lot of ass ok? especially when it comes to boys. I kicked a lot of boy ass. and i didnt like playing with make up and dollies like other lttle girls. so that made me special. because i was a girl, but was like, into things that guys liked. did i mention i was special?
so in Midger they had this program called SOLJA. not everyone could join tho. but my protective and loving older brother, Clod, was rlly supportive of me. you might have seen him before, he had long spikkey hair and blue eyes. And a really long sword for roasting marshmallows on. but he liked to use it on other people instead. because he's a Hero.
one day me and Clod were playin in the backyard with his sword when this man came up to us.
"Hello, my name is Professor Joho," said he. "i am going to tak u to be a part of SOLJA as part of my new experimunt."
"i dont know if I should trust you," sez I. He had really greasy hair. And he was ugly.
And in Midger, I learned that beautiful people saved the world and were good.
Of if they were bootiful and just happened to be evil, they never died for very long and just got brought back to life and were immortalized in many many concept posters handed out at all those conventions.
But this man was soooo ugly. Why would anyone buy a poster of him?
"it should me fine, said Clod as he smiled down at me. "he's wearing glasses. and glasses people always know what theyre doin."
"get in my van," said the creepy glasses ugly man. "i hav candy."
"weellll, I dunnnooooooo..."
"Candy makes you grow big and strong."
so i gotted in his van and we went somewhere else. strangely enuff, i didnt rlly remember the ride there, but when we got to the lab, the creepy ugly glasses face showed me a box of glowing colorful jawbreakers.
"this is my special stash," said Joho. "only for super special people. and because youre super special u get to have sum."
"what flavor is it?"
"it's materia flavored."
"but it's really big jawbreaker, "said I. "How'm I supposed to fit this all in my mouth?"
Creepy Glasses Ugly Face smiled at me, "it comes in a lot of forms. you can do other stuff besides eat it."
Joho then began to take the glowy jawbreaker and grind it up with his shoe. then he took a straw out of his white lab coat and starting smelling the glowing powdery remains off the floor.
He was a funny man.
so i did what he did and things got kinda funny but I woke up an I had wings growing out of my back and it was the shit. most people had NO wings or one wing. or maybe like, two wings. But i got to have THREE because I was MORE special than anyone else.
just then someone knocked at the door.
in walked a tall man with long hair the color of tears and eyes the color of radioactive lawn mulch.
"Seffergoth, it's you!" said Professor.
"oh my god, professor, what is that glowing crap all over your face and coat," said Seffergoth. "Jesus Christ wipe that off you look like a tool. Again."
"Just you wait you little illegitimate bastard," growled Joho.
"I mean, Mister Goth, take this fine young man to his initiation."
"But professor, I am a beautiful young woman."
"It's because I am special that I never fit in with other girls and sometimes dress like a boy because I always had a dream of being a part of SOL-"
"gtfo of my lab, i cant tell any of the genders of the main characters apart in this fucking game."
"I need to get back to my reeesearch." Joho snorted a long trail of powder along his coat sleeve and began ignoring us.
"same face, different hairstyle, get the fuck out."
...I knew ugly people weren't so great after all. But at least the nice tall Seffergoth wasn't ugly. He looked like a cross between a Japanese model and a Marilyn Manson fanboy, but there was something nice about him that I just knew in my arteries. We would get along. His hair was like a cascading river of awesome that swished back and forth like a broom made of stars when he walked.
"This is your initiation, said the tall silvery man.
To my suprise, Clod and his best friend, Zeke, were standing right there.
"CLOD!" I shouted, so happy to see him.
"This is your Dance of Initiation" said Clod. "All young SOLJAs must go through with this in order to move on to the next step.
"But, I don't know how to dance very well," I said. "I wasn't into girly stuff and-"
"Solja Boy tell 'em," said Zeke.
Suddenly, all three of them were standing in a straight line and doing strange motions.
"SOLJA BOY OFF IN THIS OH
WATCH ME CRANK IT, WATCH ME ROLL, WATCH ME CRANK DAT SOLJA BOY
AND SUPERNOVAclever DAT HO
NOW WATCH ME YOOOUUUU
"JOIN US," yelled Seffergoth.
"here goes nothing," i screamed as I got in line with them and waved my arms fron side to side.
"NOW WATCH ME"
"CRANK DAT SOLJA BOY
NOW WATCH ME YOOOUUU
NOW WATCH ME YOOOU
NOW WATCH ME YOOOUU
I'M COCKIN' ON YOU, COCKIN' ON YOU
AND IT WE GET TO FIGHTING
THEN I'M LIMIT BREAKIN' ON YOU, THEN I'M LIMIT BREAKIN' ON YOU
YOU CATCH ME AT YOUR LOCAL SLUM
YES I CRANK IT EVERYDAY
HATERS GET MADE CUZ
I GOT ME AN ANDROGYNOUS GIRLY FACE
NOW WATCH ME YOOOUUUUU