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May 30, 2010
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The wonderful world of Harry Potter has touched countless lives upon its release. It contains many colorful elements  from magic and fantasy to fighting bald snake people with little wooden sticks. Yet at the same time, despite touching so many countless lives, the ever-popular series has not been without its fair share of criticism, a large portion of which may not have been completely unfounded. Harry Potter has been said to promote more than a few more shady practices. It wouldn't hurt to explore and prod some of them in scholarly analysis.

Let us take, for example, the most prevalent example in the HP wizarding world. Wands. Harry Potter and friends often use their wands to solve problems and, more often than not, create quite a few of them. HP, Ron, and Draco are constantly seen "whipping them out" and "waving them around," despite the fact many teachers advise most of the Hogwarts students against doing so. This could function as a sort of subliminal nod to boyhood fascination with physical self exploration, seeing as the wands fire out vast arrays of magical things from their tips.
(It should also be noted that the scene in the fourth Harry Potter film where Voldemort and Harry dueled in the graveyard had the wands firing a sort of odd white-ish foamy-looking material as the blasts collided.)

Additionally, the HP series has one of the largest fanfiction archives to every grace the World Wide Web. A massive portion of this consists of slash fiction or male/male pairings from the series. Couple this with the fact that, several years ago, major character and mentor to Harry, Professor Dumbledore, was publicly announced to being a homosexual. It is quite common that, wherever homosexuality lurks, no matter how remotely, allegation of devil-worship and mammalian blood-letting are sure to follow. The more Satanic elements of the series can be seen in the constant snake-theme sported at various points in the novels. This is especially potent in the Chamber of Secrets installment where Harry and Tom Riddle go head to head using both a sword and giant snake respectively, both widely regarded as raging phallic symbols. This is all done within the Chamber itself. The Chamber and the battle raging within its dark confines could be regarded as another subliminal allusion to male anal sex.

Two males. Two phallic symbols. One chamber.

Many questions and rebuttals may arise from this, but the most potent of these would probably be how the hell J.K. made off with it under the millions of eyes of watchful parents for so damn long.

Either that, or Tom decided to shove a live snake up Harry's ass.

Harry Potter and friends, next to utilizing the power of their wands, also spend much of their time chasing after various mystical talismans and artifacts. Not only are millions of small children being taught that being gay is okay, they have been led to believe that abundant prick-waving and resorting to devilish items of black power to solve problems instead of listening to the word of God will be the answer to many of their problems. The fact J.K. would allow a homosexual to be the headmaster of a school full of supple young males clearly illustrates her demonic agenda into converting today's youth into next-generation monsters and revelers in devilry. At least when Snape, a heterosexual male, was headmaster, even for a brief time, there were at least no motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking bathrooms.
(One need not also bring to mind the sport of Quidditch, ex. shoving a hardened, elongated "broom stick" between ones legs and flying around on a chase for balls.)

The excessive bloodletting culminated at the end of the series underlines and forewarns of a savage end to all who engage in such wickedness and unrestraint. Sirius dies. Dumbledore dies. Fred dies. Tonks dies. Even the fucking owl dies. -That- is how much homosexuality can hurt a person. Mommy dies. Daddy dies. Even one's little baby goldfish may die. So, taking a more inverse route, HP may not be -promoting- black arts, but instead may be serving as a sort of hidden cautionary tale for those who engage or may think of engaging in them, thus why the tale ends in excessive death, blood loss, and dead animals (the snake dies too).
All because Harry and Draco were screwing around with their wands during class and happened to enjoy a little goat's blood in their pumpkin juice.

The fact almost every child and their twice-removed uncle has read Harry Potter makes the pressure to resist coming into contact with such a series that much harder. Even adults have been tuned in to the series. More and more people have been converted to Potterism. Those who reject Potterism and its teachers are either spit upon or harshly and unjustly labeled as "goth haters." This is not unsimilar to the "convert or die" method used by many belief systems to convert more into their following or crush those that oppose. As one of the highest selling books in the history of mankind, Harry Potter has become more profoundly exalted than the Bible and simultaneously allowed for the doorway to a new age of
modern perversity and madness to unfold upon the earth.
How we deal with it and how our children will cope with the new madness is entirely in our hands.
Aaaand if you take this seriously, any part of it, you are a silly, silly person.

I haven't written any of these in a while and I really wanted a Potter one. I tried staying with one theme/vice the entire way through but my brain had issues not tugging it in various directions. I actually wanted to put a section about Voldemort and Xenu but that was stretching it and seemed more misplaced than the other text when typed. Sorry, AmethystKirby.
But. Yeah.
This is a joke. You know. At all those people who actually believe this sort of shit. As in, I don't actually believe this. This is not meant to be offensive.
Please read the description. In fact, if more people read descriptions instead of, "I just read two sentences, couldn't take a joke or read the artist comment's, then decided to scroll past all the other comments of people who clearly noted this was a joke and started flaming about how "wrong" this was to waste everyone's time."

Yeah. Don't be one of those.


And I wasn't sure what category to put this under so I went with what appeared to be what this closely resembled.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsuperherosockmonkey:
SuperHeroSockMonkey Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist
I noticed the foamy white stuff coming out of the wands too :XD:..... that was a very awkward moment for me... :XD:
Reply
:iconnevylove27:
nevylove27 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
well apart fo the fact that this is horribly homophobic
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
except that it was designed to mock the exact same logic utilized by bible-thumping homophobes on why gays and homosexuality are supposedly immoral
Reply
:iconnevylove27:
nevylove27 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
i was about to get so so so mad but then i read the description witch actully makes it funny
Reply
:iconpietroschek:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Harry Potter sold so well, for it used a classic concept: tell the insane, the immature and the desperate, that their own deficiencies are never their fault or responsibility and that they all get unearned special treatment anyway! While the Sodomite Onslaught is hardly surprising, it could actually be just one more manifestation of fanatical rushes which are actually psychotic rushes, though sometimes temporal ones...
Reply
:iconinfinite-will:
Infinite-Will Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012
You forgot the part where Harry Potter advocates suicide. Since practically all the "good guys" have no problem dying and all the villains are like "no way; don't wanna die!"

XD
Reply
:iconkitcatkat13:
KitCatKat13 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011
'Even one's little baby goldfish may die.'


"NUUUUUU! NOT SPECKLES!!!!!!!!"
Reply
:iconinksphynx:
InkSphynx Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is funny! You make hilarious lampoons of things.
Reply
:icontheotaku13:
TheOtaku13 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011
I was getting ready to spam you but good until I read your description. I have to agree with AFangeek, this is insulting. Granted, I don't particularly like HP, and I do think it has some messages that maybe shouldn't be there, but it would take Eistein's most far-fetched dream about a far-fetched theory to root out any basis at all. In short, no one cares enough to think about the down side of something they like. Take drugs for instance.

---

I'm in love with a country. If you are too, you watch APH.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011
I'm not seeing how it's insulting, especially since I've already stated I don't endorse those views myself, only mock them, but whatever.
I never saw any severely harmful messages in HP, and at times I will take pleasure in making fun of those who hold said wacked-up views, I've done this with other works of fiction by making pseudo-analytical analyses of those as well, and I don't see an issue.
Reply
:icontheotaku13:
TheOtaku13 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011
Fair enough.
Reply
:iconthetruedarkness:
TheTrueDarkness Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:rofl:
Reply
:iconafangeek:
AFangeek Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I honestly dont think this is very funny. I think this is generally offensive. Normally I wouldnt say anything to a thing like this, but this is just....ugh.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
The whole point of this was meant to be outlandishly ridiculous as possible as a sort of semi-mockery of certain overanalytical critics to begin with. I'm an HP fan, and even then I'm not really seeing the issue here.
Reply
:iconafangeek:
AFangeek Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I understand that it was meant to be a joke, and I'm not defending HP. It's just a little bit rude, even in a joking way. Since the whole thing is just one big perverted reference, with a lot of shots at gays or being gay, I just dont find it funny. I can see how some people might laugh, but I think this is just too rude to be humorous.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
It wasn't a shot at being gay, it was a parody on the critics who actually assume that to begin with and that they believe HP 'promotes'. Thus why I was as blatantly ridiculous as humanly possibly. If you type in 'harry potter satan' or something to that effect, you'll see what I'm talking about.
It's not because I have anything towards any sort of sexuality, it's because I find those reviews and bigoted extreme analyses of the series to be outright fucking hysterical and have made fun of them in my own fashion.
Reply
:iconafangeek:
AFangeek Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I know, but in trying to be ridiculously funny it sounded like you were serious. I as a matter of fact do know what your talking about, and I agree: It's freaking stupid. But I still think that I, as well as other people, might be a little touchy when poking fun at a subject like this. I mean, you can see what I'm talking about, right? How some people might not agree with the way your advertising your disagreement?
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
Then we'll ultimately just have to agree to disagree.
I've openly stated that I don't endorse those views, and while you may find this to sound 'serious,' most people realize that it's not, and this isn't the first series I've done this for. I've made it clear that it's not homosexuals I'm poking fun at, but the people who claim such things to be related to begin with and I'm going to leave it at that.
Reply
:iconafangeek:
AFangeek Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Alright, alright. I can't make you see my opinion. I agree to disagree. Thank you for your time.
Reply
:iconphictionmaker7:
Phictionmaker7 Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Professional Writer
For a while you had me going. I was all like "what the hell?!" then i read the decription. SEE it DOES HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconami-d-v:
ami-d-v Featured By Owner May 14, 2011
Haha, I liked this, you're right, and everyone is free to write whatever they want, JK included, nobody's obliged to read HP.
Reply
:iconmrtrollxdd:
MrTrollXDD Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2011
THis suddenly makes more sense now: [link]
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011
Oh no, no, no. I shan't be falling for that one.
Reply
:iconmrtrollxdd:
MrTrollXDD Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2011
But your analysis puts it in a new context.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2011
That's the magic of it.
Reply
:iconmoneycantbuyinsanes2:
Moneycantbuyinsanes2 Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2011
LOL
Reply
:iconaxicyanide13:
AxiCyanide13 Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2011
You know i've never thought of it that way. but great going :)
Reply
:iconbad-vibe:
bad-vibe Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011
I love HP and this made my evening! :) haha! Hilarious!
Reply
:iconxxxburi-chanxxx:
XxXBuri-ChanXxX Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
pffffffffffffffft oh dear god i love you. XDDD this....this is pure gold. you....LDKFJASLDF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE GIVES ME NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR AMAZING-NESS! DAMN YOU ENGLISH LANGUAGE! DAAAAAAMN YOOOOU!
Reply
:iconmorihana:
MoriHana Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
My goodness my dear you are rediculously hillarious
Reply
:iconsmileyboo22:
smileyboo22 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2010
Aw, man.
Your artist comments brutally severed my stream of righteous indignation.

Brilliant work. I lol'd.
"Raging phallic symbols". :lmao:
Reply
:iconserujuunin:
Serujuunin Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, I am a huge Harry Potter fan, but this is hilarious.
Reply
:iconzimgalforevah:
ZimGalForevah Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good one. WHO THE HELL WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE THESE CONNECTIONS (AND THINK THEY MADE SENCE?!?!)
Reply
:iconphoenixleo:
phoenixleo Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2010
:rofl:
Reply
:iconkt4himx:
KT4HIMx Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2010
Well done for being completely right, yet again.
Reply
:iconnightshade43:
nightshade43 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2010
:rofl:
I actually heard somewhere that HP books are burned because they point to paganism and dark arts.
I never knew HP could have gay arguements against them (I know this is a satire).

It's like saying "Dungeons and Dragons are Satanic because the characters kill Demons"
Reply
:icontembrook:
TemBrook Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
OMG YOUR RIGHT.
OBVIOUSLY HARRY POTTER IS A THREAT TO CHRISTIANITY AND WE MUST GO ON YET ANOTHER CRUSADE TO BURN JK ROWLING AT THE STAKE BECAUSE SHE IS A WITCH.

no but srsly teehee good read.
Reply
:iconjordan71495:
Jordan71495 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lol wow :) your good!
Reply
:iconstars-shinebright:
stars-shinebright Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2010  Student General Artist
Holy Cow, this sounds almost exactly like the "Anti-Potter" articles I used to rage over as a kid... It's amazing how stupid they really sound, isn't it? I didn't laugh, but I sure as hell smirked all the way through it. Really, really well written.
Reply
:iconjoshroks:
joshroks Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2010
[I'm talking in Kreacher's voice]~joshroks likes your little joke
But the series is about death and killing off all those demonic evil bastards you mentioned.
Reply
:iconsnowflake-owl:
Snowflake-owl Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2010  Student Digital Artist
Gay allusions in Gay i mean Harry Potter, XDDD.
You are a really creative man, hehehe, this whole thing in the work of good writting... i mean this is so fvcki@g funny!
Reply
:iconcarrotstalker:
CarrotStalker Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010
:rofl: Please, write more of these, they're hilarious!
Reply
:iconcucumber-girl:
Cucumber-girl Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
_Aaaaand_ you pull off another one. You're really funny!
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2010
Why, thank ya!
Reply
:iconalyth354:
Alyth354 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2010
I believe the general consensus of "epic" applies to this piece of work as well.
Reply
:iconredhead-lion:
Redhead-Lion Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
epic! ive been waiting for anyone to do a potter one!
Reply
:iconanimeserenity:
animeserenity Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2010
I absolutely love this!

All because Harry and Draco were screwing around with their wands during class and happened to enjoy a little goat's blood in their pumpkin juice.

^That part made me lol the most, due to the fact that I was reading a fanfic where Harry and Draco where messing around in class.
Reply
:iconpaperanddust:
PaperandDust Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
I shall never look at a harry potter book in the same way again.

Freaking awesome job!
Reply
:iconnineteenbrokensmiles:
Made me laugh to tears...! Amazing and very well-written! =D
Reply
:iconanderaminela:
anderaminela Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2010
lol!
Reply
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