Never fear. For in this guide, we will turn everything you've been taught about monsters thus far and turn it upside down. You will be taught how to create a real monster.
1. Getting With the Times Let's get one thing straight. Century-old tales can be only interesting for so long in an age of iPods and portable microwaves. Therefore, we need to make our monsters appeal to the times. As in, we need to make them appeal to the audience that's most familiar with what's "in" and "hip." AKA, kids. AKA teenagers. AKA teenage girls. Who knows more about fashion and trends than girls? Who knows more about what's "in" than teenagers and the youth of today? Exactly. Combine the two and boom. Mind. Blown. The more you target teenage girls as your audience, the higher your success rate will be. And if you can get successfully get millions upon millions of teenage females to fawn over your work, why, you automatically become the hippest, maddest, trendiest, monster-makingest motherfucker on the planet. After all, if teenage girls think it's cool, it must be cool.
No longer will our monsters spend eternity in musty old castles or at the bottom depths of dark lakes in the forest. No. It's the 2000s. Our monsters carry cell phones and wear designer jeans. Our monsters go to highschool. That's the kind of thing you need to be thinking about when you brainstorm your monsters. Make them like the same things teenagers like. After all, teenagers can't relate to an ugly old batman living in a five-hundred year old castle in some unpronounceable country.
That's not cool anymore. You don't want to bore away your most marketable audience now, do you?
2. Appearance Speaking of ugly, you need your monster to match the times, appearance-wise as well. In fact, appearance is, if not, the most important part of a monster. Say goodbye to wrinkles and blood-dripping fangs. Seriously. Who likes that shit? Come on. Compare a yucky douchebag vampire from some old story nobody cares about with blood running down his chin and onto his shirt ew, talk about lack of hygiene with pointed ears to, say, something a little, oh, better. Face it, ugly monsters are lame. Teenage girls say so. Nobody wants that. I mean, seriously, hideous monsters that scare people and make children vomit in their seats? That's madness talk! Forget the days of dripping mudmen and fugly swamp demons. You want your beastie to be a smooth criminal. As in, make him or her sexy as fuck or beautiful. No saggy skin or scales here! So what if the original stories of the boogeyman were to scare children into behaving or the original chupacabra being a mad goat-sucker or original wolf men hunted maidens and unicorns drank the blood of virgins sacrificed at high altars? Those things just aren't as cool teenage girls say so as "modern" things like driving convertibles or flirting. I mean, really. Would you rather read or watch something about a nasty fanged man turning into a bat sick and filling his face full of blood or would you rather see something about a devilishly attractive young monster hitting up the clubs and not turning into a disgusting little vermin? Yeah, that's what I thought.
3. Caspar the Friendly Folklore Remember, the more general you make your work, the more you will be able to attract a larger audience. One such way of doing this is by
You need to take out everything that made these monsters
Enlarged leathery bat wings? Clip 'em and replace them with a Ferari.
Long gnarled claws? Can you say peeeedicccureeee~?
Crazy red eyes? Either contacts or sunglasses, ya douchebag. No one wants to see that.
If it sounds hard, it's really not. Just replace everything that made the monster
4. Braaainnnsss, I mean, Aaaaannggssst Remember, even though you're dealing with -supposedly- fictional creatures, you have to have a level of realism to it. In real life, after a person lives beyond their 112th birthday, chances are, they're gonna want to fucking kill themselves. It's not like you can shit properly at that age anyway. Plus, they have to be on meds 24/7. Naturally, that 112-year-old citizen is going to be goddamn miserable. Now, imagine how much more miserable a five-hundred year-old elderly citizen would be? What about if that pants-shitting, meds-taking, elderly citizen was forever stuck in the body of, say, a teenager?
Here's the trick. You need to stop thinking of monsters in the 21st century as hideous, mutated, violently brainless freaks and and more along the lines of tortured souls forever doomed to wander the earth in immortally hot bodies. As in, your monster needs to have the mindset of every other fucking teenager living in middle America. As in, something they can relate with.
You do honestly think Dracula wouldn't be angsty after spending his undead life in a moldly castle forced to sleep in a box full of dirt? Or that Larry Talbot wouldn't be even a little upset that he was unwittingly mutated into an extremely hairy creature that is cursed to forever lick its own balls and degradingly run on all fours just because he got bitten by a rabid hobo? Exactly. Most teenagers these days are like that. They all suffer from a bad case of I was written by a rabid hobo but instead of licking my balls I am stuck in a house with crappy parents in a world where no one understands me.
Make the monster, less like a monster and more like a
ANYWAYS, I hope this have given you a better idea of how to write creatures from beyond the grave and maybe become the next Stephen King, Bram Stoker, or even...nah. But the point is, just remember, monsters can be anything these days. If anyone else says so, they're only jealous because they didn't come up with the idea themselves or because