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Tales of monsters have been around since mankind was old enough to feel fear of the dark. Quite possibly even longer. And despite many thousands of years since, monsters still remain popular unto this day. You see them everywhere, stores, films, media, video games, comics, etc. A lot of people want to create monsters themselves. But how does one stand out in a world already so saturated with goblins and swamp creatures? How does one seem unique while managing to use an element that may have been done many times throughout history?
Never fear. For in this guide, we will turn everything you've been taught about monsters thus far and turn it upside down. You will be taught how to create a real monster.

1. Getting With the Times Let's get one thing straight. Century-old tales can be only interesting for so long in an age of iPods and portable microwaves. Therefore, we need to make our monsters appeal to the times. As in, we need to make them appeal to the audience that's most familiar with what's "in" and "hip." AKA, kids. AKA teenagers. AKA teenage girls. Who knows more about fashion and trends than girls? Who knows more about what's "in" than teenagers and the youth of today? Exactly. Combine the two and boom. Mind. Blown. The more you target teenage girls as your audience, the higher your success rate will be. And if you can get successfully get millions upon millions of teenage females to fawn over your work, why, you automatically become the hippest, maddest, trendiest, monster-makingest motherfucker on the planet. After all, if teenage girls think it's cool, it must be cool.
No longer will our monsters spend eternity in musty old castles or at the bottom depths of dark lakes in the forest. No. It's the 2000s. Our monsters carry cell phones and wear designer jeans. Our monsters go to highschool. That's the kind of thing you need to be thinking about when you brainstorm your monsters. Make them like the same things teenagers like. After all, teenagers can't relate to an ugly old batman living in a five-hundred year old castle in some unpronounceable country.
That's not cool anymore. You don't want to bore away your most marketable audience now, do you?

2. Appearance Speaking of ugly, you need your monster to match the times, appearance-wise as well. In fact, appearance is, if not, the most important part of a monster. Say goodbye to wrinkles and blood-dripping fangs. Seriously. Who likes that shit? Come on. Compare a yucky douchebag vampire from some old story nobody cares about with blood running down his chin and onto his shirt ew, talk about lack of hygiene with pointed ears to, say, something a little, oh, better. Face it, ugly monsters are lame. Teenage girls say so. Nobody wants that. I mean, seriously, hideous monsters that scare people and make children vomit in their seats? That's madness talk! Forget the days of dripping mudmen and fugly swamp demons. You want your beastie to be a smooth criminal. As in, make him or her sexy as fuck or beautiful. No saggy skin or scales here! So what if the original stories of the boogeyman were to scare children into behaving or the original chupacabra being a mad goat-sucker or original wolf men hunted maidens and unicorns drank the blood of virgins sacrificed at high altars? Those things just aren't as cool teenage girls say so as "modern" things like driving convertibles or flirting. I mean, really. Would you rather read or watch something about a nasty fanged man turning into a bat sick and filling his face full of blood or would you rather see something about a devilishly attractive young monster hitting up the clubs and not turning into a disgusting little vermin? Yeah, that's what I thought.

3. Caspar the Friendly Folklore Remember, the more general you make your work, the more you will be able to attract a larger audience. One such way of doing this is by cutting out everything and anything that made folktales from the old country completely fucking badass and worth learning making them seem more "safe" for your audience. As in, doing what 4Kids did to anime toning down the old stories and cutting down violence, nightmarish qualities, psychological and idealogically sensitive material. You don't want to scare your money makers, I MEAN, precious little children away. Make the monster seem "safe" for all readers. As in, something that may come close to wanting to hurt them, but never actually does. Because real monsters don't hurt, rape, or kill people, oh no. Especially not young, unsuspecting girls. That's just terrible! A monster victimizing a person, let alone a teenage girl?! What is this world coming to?!?!?!
You need to take out everything that made these monsters incredibly fucking hardcore and worth-watching in the first place potentially dangerous and replace it with something else.
Enlarged leathery bat wings? Clip 'em and replace them with a Ferari.
Long gnarled claws? Can you say peeeedicccureeee~?
Crazy red eyes? Either contacts or sunglasses, ya douchebag. No one wants to see that.

If it sounds hard, it's really not. Just replace everything that made the monster a badass natural weapon with something more mundane.

4. Braaainnnsss, I mean, Aaaaannggssst Remember, even though you're dealing with -supposedly- fictional creatures, you have to have a level of realism to it. In real life, after a person lives beyond their 112th birthday, chances are, they're gonna want to fucking kill themselves. It's not like you can shit properly at that age anyway. Plus, they have to be on meds 24/7. Naturally, that 112-year-old citizen is going to be goddamn miserable. Now, imagine how much more miserable a five-hundred year-old elderly citizen would be? What about if that pants-shitting, meds-taking, elderly citizen was forever stuck in the body of, say, a teenager? A teenager that could never experience being drinking age or  being considered a legal adult? Fuck crucifixes and silver bullets. You'll need to break out the goddamn Prozac.
Here's the trick. You need to stop thinking of monsters in the 21st century as hideous, mutated, violently brainless freaks and and more along the lines of tortured souls forever doomed to wander the earth in immortally hot bodies. As in, your monster needs to have the mindset of every other fucking teenager living in middle America. As in, something they can relate with.
You do honestly think Dracula wouldn't be angsty after spending his undead life in a moldly castle forced to sleep in a box full of dirt? Or that Larry Talbot wouldn't be even a little upset that he was unwittingly mutated into an extremely hairy creature that is cursed to forever lick its own balls and degradingly run on all fours just because he got bitten by a rabid hobo? Exactly. Most teenagers these days are like that. They all suffer from a bad case of I was written by a rabid hobo but instead of licking my balls I am stuck in a house with crappy parents in a world where no one understands me.
Make the monster, less like a monster and more like a human relatable to your audience. It's not like you could get the same satisfaction from watching a badly written soap opera with actual humans or-
Wait.


ANYWAYS, I hope this have given you a better idea of how to write creatures from beyond the grave and maybe become the next Stephen King, Bram Stoker, or even...nah. But the point is, just remember, monsters can be anything these days. If anyone else says so, they're only jealous because they didn't come up with the idea themselves or because they actually respect old cultural myths and legends from history they have no imagination. So follow your dreams, er, nightmares but wait, nightmares are also scary- and let your imagination unfold!
HEY, KIDS

Do you know what sarcasm is? Good, because before you open your little mouth and start sendin messagez dat vaguiely resembl sumthin liek this, THAT WOULD PROBABLY HELP.

Also, because someone feels the need to say this every time "purty monsters" are brought up, yeah, succubuses and shit, I know. THEY LURE THEIR PRAY WIT DER BOOTY GUYZ.

Please. Stop telling me this.


Also, if you are a teenage girl, I don't care. Because, on the internet, AREN'T WE ALL?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconaccidentalsarcasm:
XDDD This drips with satire and sarcasm!! It draws me in like catnip!
I agree. It's kinda boring with the generic "totally average normal bland teenage girl main character
who meets the so stereotypical I wanna beat my brains out with an encyclopedia angsty teenage prettified version of something that was once veiled in the dark,shadowy allure of myth and legend and was completely and utterly horrifying and totally kick butt.
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:iconpallasrain:
pallasrain Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014
4kids are the real evil around here! (Lol) Though I do think that monsters shouldn't all be inherantly evil, I hate the whole 'teenage vampire', etc ideas. It feels kinda like they've stopped actually making monsters and just turning them into angsty, hormonal morons who have nothing better to do than seduce a brainless heroine. Bring back the old stories, they were the best. :D I think your writing addresses this situation well and the sarcasm is appreciated. ;)
Reply
:iconangel-lithium:
Angel-Lithium Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013  Student Writer
Ah, the secrets of making a mint off the back of teenage girls... Only I'll do it under a pen name, so no one knows I'm responsible...
Reply
:iconpeachypuppygirl30:
PeachyPuppyGirl30 Featured By Owner May 28, 2013
D*mmit, accidentally clicked the wrong folder while faving. XP
Reply
:iconannamae411:
annamae411 Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the old monsters, even more so when people reference them in their full unbridled glory. I even have this one story going with characters who are older than humans (angels and demons and elementals and shit) and they/their names "inspired" the famous monsters/characters we all know and love/fear. one of their last names' is Hyde, one of their first names is Samara, etc. Monsters are the best fuggin shat this world ever created, exhibited by the fact that they're still around^^ However I do enjoy the occasional sexy beast (pun intended), granted it's played by someone actually attractive like Channing Tatum for example. Rob P. needs to die a horrible death :evillaugh:
Reply
:iconinkhappy:
InkHappy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
We are all teenage girls on the internet. :icondelightfulplz:
Reply
:icondannyboy1994:
dannyboy1994 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
lulz. love it XD
Reply
:iconpietroschek:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That recipe worked before, suggest to teenagers that their confused cocktail of hormonal craze and whimsical avant garde is the Status Quo!
Reply
:icongresskar:
Gresskar Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This was just what I needed to read for some therapy. I have been suffering day out and day in from my roommates watching Vampire Diaries from the moment they wake up (early) in the morning to the moment they go to sleep at night, only taking pauses to make something to eat.

I love my friends, except during those kind of days. Which might be up to a week or more if they have lots of free time. To sit there hearing them moan and sigh over the episodes and not understanding how I "can't just ADORE how sexy the male vampires are!!!!" and how "awesome and original the storyline and characters are!!!" is.... a test of patience :lol:
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:iconermancer:
Ermancer Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
"doomed to wander the earth in immortally hot bodies"
That really made me laugh :lmao:
That's some top class sarcasm there :clap:


Death to Twilight!

Long live real monsters!
Reply
:iconroboticalice58:
RoboticAlice58 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
According to this... I'm not a teenage girl (because I love vampire bats and evil sh*t). So I must be... a teenage... lady? Wtf.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012
A lot of this is sarcasm so you really shouldn't be taking it that seriously.
Reply
:iconroboticalice58:
RoboticAlice58 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Dude (or female, I'd still call you dude) that wasn't me being serious. I'm never serious! Actually, I am, just not on the internet. I'm the most childish person I know :3
Reply
:iconjdandgabsrl:
JDandGabSRL Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012  Hobbyist
I so love this. You're a pure genius! The sarcasm dripping from each letter... Just.... pure genius.
Reply
:iconezlob:
Ezlob Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Bahahaha! XD
This is fantastic, I love it.
Your sarcasm, by far, exceeds any I've encountered in my life
Reply
:icontwiliprincess3:
twiliprincess3 Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012
"Also, if you are a teenage girl, I don't care. Because, on the internet, AREN''T WE ALL?" I love that
Reply
:iconrustnsplinters:
RustNSplinters Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh god, this was pure fucking gold. Screw Edward Cullen, bring back the Nosferatu!
Reply
:iconpandorapurple:
PandoraPurple Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
That's why I hate the modern age.
I know people who perfectly combine this age with such bloodcurdling horrifying monsters, and they do it so good.
Why doesn't everyone think like this?
Reply
:iconinksphynx:
InkSphynx Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Your sarcasm= Amazing.
Reply
:iconnamenameone:
namenameone Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2011  Student Digital Artist
AH. MAH. GAWD. I did not know about the unicorns doing that. O.o My list of irreversibly evil things in the universe has just gotten longer;
1. Clowns
2. Squirrels
3. Snails
4. Unicorns
Reply
:iconluffy426:
Luffy426 Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I absolutely adore how snarky and dripping in sarcasm this is, but at the same time disgustingly true. Monsters aren't scary anymore. They aren't four-eyed, six-legged, crap-your-pants terrifying beasts with seven rows of dripping fangs anymore. They're...normal. It makes me sick, and I'm glad someone else noticed as well.
Reply
:iconkazoofle:
Kazoofle Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2010
I'm a teenage girl therefore I love sparkly dickfaces that some people call "vampires".

Am I doing it right?
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2010
Because all stereotypes is truth, so yes. Yes you are.
Reply
:iconraikiri873:
RAIKIRI873 Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2010  Student Writer
well, seems about right.
Reply
:iconblackslate00zero:
blackslate00zero Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2010
great stuff.
Reply
:icontaringtartar:
Taringtartar Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2010
Monsters these days.
Reply
:iconzombiexbite:
ZOMBIExBite Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i must say, blood-dripping fangs are MUCH sexier than sparkle. by far.
Reply
:iconhagane90:
Hagane90 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2010
I'm a fan of your work, can I say that first off? This is your magnum opus, imo. Always equaled, never surpassed.
Reply
:iconredhead-lion:
Redhead-Lion Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2010
AKA how to make edtard cullen XD
Reply
:iconashen-phoenix:
Ashen-Phoenix Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:highfive:
Reply
:iconredhead-lion:
Redhead-Lion Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010
lol
Reply
:iconmallonillustration:
MallonIllustration Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2010  Professional General Artist
Ha! Have you ever seen these: [link] [link] ?
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2010
Not yet but now I have.
Quite an invigorating listen, I must say.

Also
Whilst I appreciate that Stephenie Meyer does not speak for all Mormons, I do nontheless consider your religion to be patently batshit insane

God, some people IRL might kill be for laughing at that but dayum. This guy's wording is the shit!
Reply
:iconmallonillustration:
MallonIllustration Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2010  Professional General Artist
Definitely. Also impressive:

Anything that Meyer says should be taken with a grain of salt, if for nothing else than a constant visual reminder of her approximate brain capacity.
Reply
:iconraijn:
Raijn Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2010
You've earned yourself a cookie!

But I ate it.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2010
Oh dear.
Reply
:iconmage421:
Mage421 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010
I love this ^^

Now I'm all for new takes on classic monsters, but only as long as said monster is still a monster and not just a pretty teenager with fangs and claws.
Reply
:iconthelastironman:
TheLastIronMan Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You wanna make a REAL monster, make a sequel to 2Gurlz1Cup.

You will be hated more than Stephanie Meyer.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010
I doubt even that could beat Smeyer.
Reply
:iconthelastironman:
TheLastIronMan Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Then you haven't seen it.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2010
Oh.
I don't want to.
Reply
:iconthelastironman:
TheLastIronMan Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You are blessed.
Reply
:iconlazylionus:
LazyLionus Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2010
At first I was like :unimpressed:...

... but then I :lol:
Reply
:iconstereopanick:
Stereopanick Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
This is just pure poetry.

You deserve some real props for this. It made my day!
Reply
:iconsophonax-skitty:
Sophonax-Skitty Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2010
:tighthug: Great stuff :D (:heart: satire) *does not like Twilight* No idea 'bout established vampire lore, grrr.... :chainsaw: XD
Reply
:iconxaviaphoenix:
XaviaPhoenix Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2010
Is it not amazing how much the teenage audience governs pop culture? It's ridiculous, and almost makes me ashamed to be in my teenage years. It's shit like that that almost makes me want to skip the teens and just escape the shallowness of my age group.

I will now go stake the numerous instances of shitty vampires and shoot the creators in order to give the world some of it's dignity back. :fork:
Reply
:iconmemphis05:
memphis05 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I prefer my monsters with a little class. No monster is allowed to...to KILL. HOLY SHIT JUST THE THOUGHT.
That kind of mindset can get you beheaded (ALMOST, we can't have killing).
Reply
:iconinferno42:
Inferno42 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2010   Writer
I LOL'd with unrivaled hilarity.
Reply
:iconincubusrhapsodos:
IncubusRhapsodos Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
BLASPHEMY.

fugly monsters for the win.

LOL that is just epicness.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
What?
Ugly monsters?
In MY haunted house?
Reply
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