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May 7, 2010
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Video games. Everyone and their mother plays them these days. Yes, even chicks. This isn't like how it used to be when gaming was a hobby only undertaken by a select number of nerdy white males. With so many other gamers and so many other games to choose from, how can one possibly stand out amongst it all?
By playing action games of course, the manly genre. But maybe playing them isn't enough of a challenge.
Maybe you want to take it a little farther and make an action game yourself.
Well, fear not! For in a number of steps, you too can create the next big blockbuster hardcore action game that will have every other fanboy and their uncle salivating through their retinas.

1. War War is popular. One can see evidence of this by turning on the news. Also from the copious amounts of films, books, and games that base themselves around war or warfare. War sells. This is exactly why "war" titles are more likely to become bigger hits than most other action games. Just look around you. God of War, Gears of War, Call of Duty:World at War, Modern Warfare, etc. The list goes on. Notice that despite the fact the word "war" is used in every other M-rated action title, it still manages to capture attention and sell big. This is why if you make an M-rated shooter, make sure you mention "war" somewhere on the case. Or maybe give it a name that brings to mind feelings of turmoil and rage. Try something like, Assault Strife Super Bloody Conflict Struggle Raging Explodey Battlefield: War Edition.
Remember, people don't buy these games to relax. (Also keep in mind, plastering guns, explosions, and designs reminiscent of the military on all sides of the cover helps get the message across a little harder).
Which brings us to the point that 2. Action is comprised of three main components: Guns, Blood/Gore, and Explosions (as stated in the last sentence of the first point). As time has progressed, video games have become far more graphic than ever before. Good graphics are also a sign of quality and effort.
In fact, the more graphic a game, the more "seriously" it should be taken. Every inch of explosion, gun, and gore should be rendered with the utmost painstaking care.
Every lick of flame, every drop of human wine and flash of bone should be evident to the player after an attack. The best modern-day graphics has to offer should only serve enhance this effect.
Well-rendered violence and explosions are the marks of technological breakthroughs and advancement. This is why such things as using verbal communication to effectively solve a problem without use of any of the above three main action components would be considered neanderthal at best and downright fucktarded at worst.
Every option or choice the player makes should either:
A) Lead to violence. Or
B) Lead to more violence.

Period. World War II wasn't solved by talking. If someone tells you otherwise, they  haven't played enough Medal of Honor.

3. Chicks There aren't any. No. Not even online. If you're online and they sound even remotely like a female or tell you they are a female, it's another male who just wants to take advantage of your virtual genitals to get free stuff.
All the real girls are too busy playing RPGs filled with Japanese boys or prepping for future domestic life with Cooking Mama. But if you want to go play non-action gameswith little girls like a girl, then by all means, feel free.
No one is stopping you.


4. Real Games Aren't For Relaxing They're just not. They're meant for taking your anger and making it worse. Why do you think you're never happy when you play online games with other people? If you're making a video game, make sure it fills people with the urge to kill. Art fills people with emotion and gives them inspiration. Video games are art. Action games are action-y art. Therefore, by filling people especially impressionable school-age children with extremely violent urges, you are being an artist. Violent children are the signs that your murder simulator game is an effective piece of modern artistry and virtual emotion.

Also, if Jack Thompson hasn't mentioned a game at least once, it's not worth buying.

5. Attitude Last but most important, you should make players feel like playing this game puts them above everything else in the universe.
Or at least the gaming universe.

Or God.

Sure, you may not have blown up that Black Hawk while simultaneously sniping sixteen thirty-foot tall Mecha Hitlers in real life. But the thing is, you did it for pretend.
And you don't know why, just like the unexplained feeling of wanting to blow up the nearest educational facility after spending ten minutes with your X-Box but it makes you feel important.
And you should want to spread this importance to every other 18-35 year-old male in all available earthly hemispheres.
As the creator of the game, you will be immediately elevated to status of sparkling virtual Jesus once it flies off shelves and be hailed as a creative visionary with an imagination and creative mindset that seems as though it expands decades beyond the present time, all while creating a new generation of people who are instilled with a powerful-to-the-point-of-aggressive sense of pride in something they accomplished but actually didn't.

Well done, Private. Next summer, or maybe if we manage to survive the alien bombings of 2012, taking these tips and locking them deeply into your heart may just give you what you need to create the next Halo.
Or Virtual God.
Or find yourself subtly milking millions of screaming fanboys as they cuss and button mash their way into gamer importance until the arrival of the next console.
Thanks Halo, you're the best!

Also, What? Vaginas in my Playstation?

Also, this is the internet and everything is ridiculous here. Including this writing.
So do us all a favor, read the description, and don't take it seriously. A lot of this is meant as an exaggeration and a sort of sarcastic joke/commentary.
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Geminice Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013
Very good show of sarcasm! :iconcheersplz:
AbandonedAmbition Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful. I love your sarcastic "How to" guides so much.
I'm personally a big FPS fan and agree with every point here. It always bothers me that the "plot" for most shooter games in campaign (also known as story) mode consists of "run there, shoot at that thing." I can at least appreciate the fact that Gears of War (a personal favorite) at least attempted some semblance of a plot, even if it had a couple holes and was ridiculous at times.
Another really good point you made: gore/violence isn't the only method of increasing tension or progressing a story.

You've inspired me. I really want to see an action game where the protagonist doesn't even pick up a weapon. Can you imagine a first-person action game where the protagonist is a diplomat? I might write a story on it now...
SinfulHeaven Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
Wow. You said Gears Of War and now I can't help but to put a word in.

I've recently started to play the first game and I can honestly say that you're right. some of the stuff in the game seems pretty "railroaded". [link]

Like when you first fight a Berserker. If you know what it is, and know that fire kills it...why doesn't anyone have a least ONE GODDAMN NAPALM BOMB at their disposal at all times just in case one shows up? Also when you're in the mineshaft and you have to watch your step otherwise you fall through the floor and get eaten by those things that explode when you die. There was NO reason why my gun couldn't be used other than the game trying to get across the point that those things are supposed to be dangerous, even though I killed a hoard of em before I went into the factory.
Artemide68 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
You know, i'm reading you "how to.." manuals, and you do make some pretty good points, and it's definitely entertaining to read these texts XD
It's useful stuff if you want to plan characters or start creating stories/games/plots.. (i sense most of these would work in the manga/anime field) you should try to spread the message.. maybe once you have enough of these texts you might try make a small book out of it.. I know it is a hard thing to accomplish but i am telling you cause this stuff is good. having guidelines like these to remind you what you want to pull out of a story you are creating is incredibly useful!!!!!
mystila Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2011
im a girl and i sometimes play action games :3
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2011
I never said they couldn't.
Kyothedarkwolf Featured By Owner May 30, 2011
This list is awsome.^w^ I neede help on making a video game.Though..step 3 isn't necessarily true.I'm a girl and i play COD Black ops,Modern Warfare,Killzone...i like shooter games.lolz and action games..the only thing i dont play is Halo and W.O.W. anyway, awsome tips on creating video games.^w^
DarkHolyMagic Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Seriously? Not all girls are pussies when it comes to games, sheesh -_-
I would play COD, Halo etc if my parents let me
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner May 24, 2011
Looks like someone didn't read the description before commenting.
DarkHolyMagic Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, looks like someone didn't OxO Sorry xDD
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