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Vampire lore spans many, many years back into the past and they still remain popular today as one of the most recognized and exalted horror icons in the monster world of fiction. Yet despite having many different variations the world over, some parts have either been watered down or completely written out for today's modern audience. Maybe you want to share in the stable, ever-growing fangirl or fanboy-powered market of vampire literature? Well, look no further. Here are some tips to help get you started:

1. Beauty and the Beast Despite there being years and years of pre-existing exotic vampire folklore from all over the world, it really has only dwindled down to two types that actually sell in this day and age. Either: A) Smoking hot undead vampires that want to sex you or B) Incredibly violent gore-loving animals that want to kill everything.
How does one come down to choosing?
Well, just try and figure out what kind of audience you're going to pander to. The main ingredients are sex and gore at the heart of this thing. Forget all the mystery, intellect, gothic nature, and deeper themes works such as Dracula had. It's the 21st century, we only have room for sex and gore here, people.
Two modes. That is it.
The modern reader can't handle anything else.


2. Dining Habits It doesn't matter how hot, lady-like, gentleman-like, or whatever-like your vampire is. Every time she or he eats/drinks, it must be either incredibly messy or they must drip it all over their shirts, the tablecloth, you, furniture, everything else, etc. That is something that simply never changes. Even a 500-year-old stately creature from somewhere in the ancient depths of Europe must find himself reverting to the eating habits of a two-month-old baby.
Is it for scariness? Mysteriousness? Gross-out factor?
No idea.
Just that almost every vampire does it for some reason and so should yours.

3. Male Vampires Vs. Female Vampires Male vampires are usually the angsty ones and constantly lament over the state of their undead-ness while the female vampires are slutty and seductive and do a lot less lamenting and a lot more sexing-up. Male vampires are also pimps.

...what did you expect? The horror genre isn't a place for women, silly. Even undead ones. Why do you always think they're getting hacked up or stalked or forgetting to charge their cell phones as the creepy man outside the abandoned house watches them?

4. The Opposition There must always be a secret organization and/or hunter to challenge your vampire. Either a human organization Catholic Church dedicated to hunting/stopping vampires or a vampire organization that secretly runs the vampire kingdom, doesn't matter. These people usually wear robes or some manner or freaky outfits for some reason. In fact, the freaky-deakiness of their dress indicates how serious business they are.

5. Somewhere Out There There is a Nazi-version of your vampire. No exceptions. Because Nazi vampires are more common than any other "soldier" vampire. Also, more than any other, other kind of vampire. Napoleonic, Civil War, anything pre-dating 1930 or 40-something, GTFO.
Even if they're not "canon" to the story, HELL, or even in the same -time period-, who cares. Killing a strange variation of zombie wearing a badass uniform usually just does it for people.

6. Sound of Death Every vampire must hiss and/or screech, even at the risk of ruining the "scary" effect and making them look like third-graders pretending to be either cats or exotic birds in the process. Every vampire needs a sound.
...it's just that these "sounds" usually consist of the same. Damn. Thing. in almost every fucking
piece of available vampire media.
Besides, what the hell else are you supposed to do? Make them squeak or something?

7. Setting Vampires these days either have a thing for "castles" or ancient-like dwellings, or public high schools. Pick one. Sometimes they'll frequent antique bookshops, cemeteries, freaky pawn shops, or the anime section of Hot Topic, but mostly it's just castles and high schools.

8. Shock Value The more your work has of this, the better it will be and/or stand out. In fact, it is secretly every vampire author's job to outdo another in levels of shock value in the work. Sometimes it also helps to get borderline Satanic. Actually, it's better to just be Satanic. Fuck Victorian themes, fuck subliminated (in this day and age, yeah, sure) eroticism, fuck your allegories and themes, fuck your diverse ancient folklore.
Just shove it down to sex, violence, occasionally desecrating sacred objects, and shock value.
OR if you're feeling extra-hardcore, just take all that out as well and leave nothing but a shell of the original monster and make something nice-and-romantic-and-lovey-dovey and fluffy.

Actually, go crazy. Paint the walls. Sparkles? Sure. Why the fuck not? Hey, why not just dip it in chocolate, set it on fire, and call it "Dracula." Fuck, make them gingerbread shaped. Glue several unicorn horns to that fucker. Dip them in cheese, make them turn into hamsters. Make them eat starch and have them live on cereal boxes and give them awesome names like "Count Douche-ula."
Whatever. Just...there is no hope for you people.
No. Hope.
Other than that, hope you enjoyed this installment of "How To".
Thank you and good night.
Before you start bitching at me:
No, I am not an expert author or literary major and I really, really don't care. I just write these for fun and for people to have fun/laugh at them. The end.
Secondly, this is sarcastic and not meant to be taken seriously. It's meant for comedy and just poking at cliches.

And before you say, "well, not all vampire works are like that, there's this one that-"
Yes, I know. I'm aware there's probably a work or works out there that doesn't conform to all of these but I don't care. I just targeted a more general/common thing we see in a lot of vampire-related media today.

Also, I may have picked out things like "violence and shock value" in vampire fiction but I'm still a fan of certainvampire works with those in them. It also doesn't necessarily mean I'll automatically "hate" the work.
But the origin for writing this stemmed from the thought that it seems like a lot of vampire fiction today is consists of
1) Romance/hot stuff
or 2) Gore, heavy violence, that's it

(And, yes, I have read Dracula and other vampire books, seen films, etc. before you start bitching about that too.)


I also thought it was funny where it really did seem like some authors were trying to outdo each other in terms of shock value or "badassery" and it was like, "this is a real vampire story."
To be honest, I love action and certain levels of violence mixed with horror but c'mon. Some people try really, really hard to aim more for shock/gore/sex and it shows.

And, yeah, I probably missed a cliche or two or ten but I really, really don't care right now. Especially with the whole, "you forgot this/that-"
Yeah. Yeah.
I know.

Again, before you read half-way and start leaving angry comments and don't take time to read the description like pretty much every other work I write:
This is not serious.
It's just to poke at cliches, period, and maybe lol at them.
That is all.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconprobablyagothkid:
ProbablyAGothKid Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad I read this XD  I am completely not disappointed, this is great haha.
Reply
:iconmelikebat:
MelikeBAt Featured By Owner May 17, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Being a fan of Stoker's Dracula and Nosferatu, I really enjoyed your writing!
I laughed at many parts!
This is just great.
Reply
:iconalinakitti:
AlinaKitti Featured By Owner May 7, 2014
I laughed many times during this. I'm glad I actually read the description, otherwise it'd just be really weird.
Reply
:iconnighthaunter8l67:
NightHaunter8L67 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is beautiful :') and so damn true too
Reply
:icongeminice:
Geminice Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013
So much sarcasm and satire in this. I love it!
Reply
:iconphiatoz:
Phiatoz Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is the best thing ever :dummy: !
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:iconprussiaawesome37:
prussiaawesome37 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013
I LOVE YOU!!!!
Reply
:iconjubiiirubs:
Jubiiirubs Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2013  Student Photographer
THANK YOU!!!! you should send this to the bitch who wrote "twilight" .
Reply
:iconsaipol73:
saipol73 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2013
I had reached the end of the line now I can splurge whenever I want these days people come to me for money you are definitely cut out for this
[link]
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:iconqueenof5pade5:
Queenof5pade5 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013
This was a ton of fun to read.
Reply
:iconpietroschek:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I guess having you in my Favorites folder is all I can muster. If I could pay you for writing criticisms of my own works, then I would. Simply for the fun of reading them. I like your style and approach, so this one is actually a sub-form of "How to make a Badass" to a degree.
Reply
:iconondarkwings:
OnDarkWings Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I was thinking about this vampire thing too much LOL
thank you for posting this
Reply
:iconredwolf-rocky:
RedWolf-Rocky Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The horror genre isn't a place for women, silly.
Might wanna rethink that. :aww:

I love it though. Nice sense of humor~
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013
The horror genre isn't a place for women, silly.
That was sarcasm.
Reply
:iconredwolf-rocky:
RedWolf-Rocky Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
lol I know~ That's why I mentioned the humor. Nice use of cliches too. I like it. Well-written.
Reply
:iconbhopes:
BHopeS Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Photographer
I love this! It makes me really think of what a vampire truly needs to be. Love love love!!!
Reply
:iconpietroschek:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Damn, I thought take a good-looking actor, make that vampire walk thru the sun and defy all other genre-rules as long, as you tell some fat and ugly teenage c.u.n.t that she is the love of his life! 'Oh Edward!"
Reply
:icondeath-n-taxes:
Death-n-Taxes Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
my story contradicts each and every one of these point, so that must mean i'm on the right track! :)
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:iconwhispersofhope12:
WhispersOfHope12 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Student Writer
XD
Reply
:iconcharliealphafoxtrot:
CharlieAlphaFoxtrot Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are so to the point of the bone. Is there anything you can't make sound so true yet funny? You are a true artist of the pen (or keyboard as the case may be).
LOL.
Reply
:iconrazelly:
Razelly Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
i lol'd. while i was reading, all these books kept popping into my head and I was like ": O! Great Odin's raven, he's right!" Or she.
Reply
:iconca11m3raven:
Ca11m3Raven Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Student Artist
Reply
:iconsensuen:
Sensuen Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012
I do not mean to offend anyone and if you are offended then well don't read this and if you are an easily offended child than go expose yourself to offensive material before reading my post then come back and read this.

Listen I know that you know this is sarcasm the same thing as A Modest Proposal by Johnathan Swift but this got me thinking what if vampires peed used blood. And when presented with a cross/crucifix what if some vamp pees on it for humor saying "I don't need your blood I can get it myself now take it back." well that shock value inspired for me anyway and I laughed so freaking hard. Hey maybe someone can use my idea in a work sometime I don't know.

P(ost)S(cript) I did not mean to offend any christians or any sect thereof or therefor I am just posting an idea I think is original I mean Stoker didn't put this in Dracula anyway "no vamps don't pee blood I need a more supernatural way to mind fuck everyone on the planet into buying my book" is what he may have said if someone makes a time machine and presents him with this question.

PPS: A Modest Proposal is a work of fiction made by a single man with a single goal and a single belief; to entertain me and provide a solution for if we run out of farm animals to eat and wild animals. Anyway just search it on duckduckgo I am sure that wikipedia has an entry on the book.

Well I have nothing else to say other than than what I have already said especially the top part of this post BYE.
Reply
:iconotackoon:
Otackoon Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2012  Student Filmographer
LOL this is brilliant! love this! :iconprussiaplz:
Reply
:iconthemedicalninjagirl:
themedicalninjagirl Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
3 = LOL
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:iconmegothic234:
Megothic234 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012
:D Nice
Reply
:iconfaded-shadow1575:
Faded-Shadow1575 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
the best part was the end
Reply
:iconlonergirllovesyaoi:
LonergirlLovesYaoi Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lol, so funny! XD
Reply
:iconcloudedlatha:
CloudedLatha Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, it is certainly a very interesting perception, and a very interesting read. Humans, so incredulous.
Reply
:iconmjupm:
mjupm Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Can't. Stop. Laughing. This was amazing!
Reply
:iconletadarnell:
LetaDarnell Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2011
Too bad I can't publish my vampires. They don't do any of these (okay, some are sexy, but most aren't fashion models).
Reply
:iconinsomniaaddict:
InsomniaAddict Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
i enjoyed this. and here i thought i was the only one who was upset over the degradation of one of horrors most beloved monsters
Reply
:icondragonsoliloquy:
DragonSoliloquy Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Uhm....


My vampires are living breathing creatures... not the undead. Is that wrong?

They still have fangs and drink human blood and are active mainly at night.
Reply
:icondekler:
Dekler Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2012  Student Digital Artist
^ You guys, listen to this. This is the sound of someone missing the point of just about everything. Forever.
Reply
:icon2sad2smile000:
2sad2smile000 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2011  Professional Writer
I really liked this! It really was helpful and informative with a dash of humor I didn't expect. Totally going in my favorites.
Reply
:iconmara-aki:
mara-aki Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011
hilarious and smart ^^love it!
awesome how to!!!!!!!
Reply
:icondk206607:
dk206607 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011
Hi there,

My name is Danni King and I am a senior at Ohio University. My senior project this year is to create a new literary magazine, which I have titled "Shattered Illusions." One of the things this assignment entails is soliciting works from people to publish. I am a huge fan of your work and I would love it if you would let me publish this piece in my magazine. My magazine focuses on different points of view and interesting ways to look at the world. Unfortunately this magazine is an assignment and will be non-profit, so I cannot pay any of the authors or artists who submit work so I understand if you don't want me to include yours. I would need an answer by October 17th at the latest. If you are willing to let me use some of your works please email me a short author bio. If you dont wish to let me uses your works then it is no problem, just let me know as soon as possible. I love your work!

Danni
dk206607@ohio.edu
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to deny this one. :C
It's just that a lot of these aren't entirely serious or as 'professional' as a number of other written analysis are, so while I've had people ask me to use my work in papers before, I usually say no since I don't think they're really the best thing for assignments. Especially since there's so much about my stuff that isn't entirely formal and they've got a number of things that could be improved to begin with and it would feel weird to have that in a mag, or is someone used that in a formal assignment.
I think it's great that you enjoy it though, I really appreciate that, but I don't think my material is the best for something like a magazine yet.
Reply
:icondk206607:
dk206607 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011
Okay, i understand. Thank you for replying so quickly = )
Reply
:iconslvr-eyes:
slvr-eyes Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Awesomeness! This is exactly what pissed me off in every single book I've read over the past year. And if it isn't vampires, it's fallen angels, demons, or some other fairy tale creature that can somehow be twisted into a hot, dripping mess whose only purpose is to fall into undying love with some random schoolgirl (who hates her life). I can't read that crap anymore - once was good, twice was acceptable, but now it's just bad writing. :( Aaaaanyhow, your How-To made my day ;)
Reply
:iconrandompath:
randompath Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Student General Artist
Best. How to. Ever. Lol
Reply
:iconiamthealien:
IamTheAlien Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2011
Sure the vampire has been messed with and basically glittered over so much that it's turned into a walking cliche, one that makes everybody want to put a story down as soon as it mentions the word "vampire". Also now you can't add anything to the genre. But you still have to respect the innovation, just because somebody, a long time ago, decides that this is how something should be doesn't mean it has to be like that.
We would still think that sickness is the wrath of the gods if that were true.
Reply
:iconin-the-machine:
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2011
Except even that 'innovation' is a lot of the same these days.
Reply
:iconiamthealien:
IamTheAlien Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2011
Fair enough, yes. I can't wait until someone makes something completely new of the vampire though.
Reply
:icon8597636:
8597636 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2011  Student Writer
i like it its funny
Reply
:iconsuperninjakitty:
SuperNinjaKitty Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011  Student General Artist
I wish to comment, but I have nothing to say that hasn't been said again and again in endless flocks of praise; so I will say this and this only.
Rock on, Machine kid. We need more like you.
Reply
:icondemonsheyd500025:
DemonSheyd500025 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I liked #6 "What the Hell are you suppose to do, make them squeak?" XD Nice one. :thumbsup:
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