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Wanna know how you can make your original works popular? Want people to salivate over every other thing you push out, regardless of how seemingly outlandish or silly? In a few easy steps, you, too, can have every fanboy and girl from North America to Japan licking the festering shit that spews forth from your anus delicious golden fame that drips from your very fingers.

1. No Adult Main Characters The key to a successful series is to never have the main character be a day over 17 years of age. It makes it more accessible to a more general audience and thus gives it more popularity through a wider fan base. Only young people in the prime of life can go on and join the military action-packed adventures of a lifetime and have the imagination capacity to sit through hours and hours of colorful drug-inspired bullshit that anyone over 30 would most likely scoff at. Also, adults are colorless and have no souls, thus why they can't ride unicorns or wield keyblades.
Have you ever seen a game with a main character over 30 ever become a bestselling or make a top ten list? Exactly. Or even more laughable, a game or movie with an old guy running the show and kicking the shit out of everyone. It's simply not realistic to think that a man over 40 can kick the shit out of bad guys when a 13-year-old kid could suffice. Especially with the power of youth on his side.
That's why games like Kingdom Hearts are infinitely more popular and exciting than games like Metal Gear Solid. Come on. Youthful kid who casts magic with an awesome key that runs around in a colorful world or a guy wearing dull colors who hides under boxes. You be the judge.

Plus, kids are just barrels more fun, what with the angst laughter and hourly trips to imagination-land and the constant need to scream or yell or be free of any sort of political turmoil in favor of more light-hearted things.

Likewise, only young characters can be hot and/or beautiful. This also sells far better than wrinkly or fat old bastards. How can a character be awesome if not attractive?
Physical attraction is one of many kinds of attraction, which leads to the next point.

2. Romance Got a romantic subplot? Good. Have it take up more than half of the book/film/and/or game. If a character does not have a romantic partner of some sort, he or she is not complete. Duh. Single people are single and therefore losers because they are unable to love themselves or others. You don't want your main character to be a loser. (Unless, you know, he or she -used- to have a lover but now only laments about "what could have been" because their love interest couldn't be saved/died/whatever, etc.) Also, everyone wants romance. Everyone. Just look at the shipping industry. See how it thrives like a fattened parasite on the succulent, rotting gut of a dead goat. Characters that are simply badass and/or attractive that show -no- romantic interest whatsoever don't exist. -Everyone- needs romance in their lives because having a character on their own doesn't make for good enough fan base drama loving yourself or being emotionally independent is an excuse for those who are unable to get laid.
Having a romance is the only way to show how "deep" and "emotional" your character is.

3. Sameness If something's been done before many, many times and people are still lapping it up, that means it's good. It's acceptable to make a main character with a pure heart and caring attitude that goes around without a single malicious thought in their heads because it sells. Some may call it "cliche." But really it's called, "who the fuck cares, you were stupid enough to buy my last six installments, why the shit wouldn't you cram this one down, too?" Besides, what person could say "no" to a warm-hearted good guy that scores with a girl that's realistically way out of his league? Only a heartless, overly-cynical critic, that's who. That, and people who "hate" because it's cool. Clicheness doesn't matter when the character is full of pure and good. Because good always triumphs. Duh.

4. Resolution Another great thing kids spend a lot of time doing is fighting the shit out of each other. That's why every conflict in your series should be solved with and/or lead up to a major fight. Sure, puzzles and logic are great once and a while, but that's dull and un-exciting. Why talk your way out of a paper bag when you can punch, kick, and/or rocket-launch your way out? Screw mediation through reason, this is fiction. We can easily dispose of everyone who doesn't agree with us and our point of view through a quick two-second combo of button pressing. It worked on the first five installments of that popular RPG you like,
so why the hell not try it on the internet while you're at it.
This entire work is not to be taken seriously and is almost entirely sarcastic.

Jack Thompson will be the savior of our children.
Sarah Palin for 2012.
Ashley Simpson would make a great live album.
Sparkling vampires are imaginative and cool.
James Cameron's Avatar was completely original.
Alan Moore's work is utter trash.
Stephen King is a jealous, bitter old man.
Heath Ledger isn't dead, he's at Candy Mountain.
There's no such thing as shitty parents.

As usual, feel free to point out spelling/grammar mistakes.
Add a Comment:
Adam-Walker Featured By Owner May 27, 2015   Writer
This is probably the stupidest guide I've ever read. And I don't care if it is sarcasm or not.
MasteroftheStorm Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014  Hobbyist
Oh the sarcasm! :lmao:
paigemistleaf Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
The description got me laughing my ass off lol. "Jack Thompson will be the savior of our children.
Sarah Palin for 2012...."
ThisIsAJfM Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I almost fell for this until I saw step 3. xD
aurora-celest Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013
Your sarcasm is just out of this world, baby! I love it! :D
sonikkuruzu Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You, unlike a lot of people I know, can use sarcasm properly :iconclapplz:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
KenChanCake Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Oh wow, I thought this was legit until you said that romance should take up half the plot, then everything after that seemed ridiculous.
Stixwitdafix Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
I don't write any stories but I think I might follow this guide to see what happens. :mwahaha: And if I get fame I'll try not to kill myself. :D
PTLPYT Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
to name a few..... Deadpool,Wolverine,Punisher,Deathwing,Lich king,Illidan stormrage

should i continue about who is older then 30 or 17 and is pure badassness lol
SinfulHeaven Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
The Goddamn Batman.
lifeless-life Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love the way you express trough words. And some say that I was swearing and being sarcastic, heh :lol:
OnyxSturm Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012  Student Writer
Now wait a minute you dick, nobody makes fun of KH while I'm around. It has the most original, un-cliche plot I've ever experienced, and here you are trashing it like an asshat. :(

Nah, I'm just messin'. :D I mean, overall it was alright, but Sora's an extreme Gary-Stu. But I'm afraid I missed 1 and 2 on your guide.........the main character of my book series is 15 (and an orphan :dead:) and while it's action-adventure-fantasy-sci-fi-based, it has quite a bit of romance as well. Damn cliches.

"I come from Yonder."
-Khamul, 'The Lord of the Rings'
namenameone Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2012  Student Digital Artist
One of the main characters in a book I'm writing is 49.
Now I shall never be a p0pu1ar ar7i57!1!!one!1! :iconcryingplz:
Youkai-Slayer Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2012
Number 3 so much. The pure hearted guy that scores with the girl who is out of his league/thought of him as only a friend up until the very end of the series is my pet peeve and not surprisingly a lot of the times I end up not liking the main character because he's that guy.
ArgonBradley Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I thank you for this overly amazing guide. I shall hopefully make my book/Game into a reality!!!
freecie1 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2011
To be honest, I prefer younger characters. That's just me.
Drawingqueenez123 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is very helpful for my stories Oldest to Newest:
Chris and friends
Rosie and friends
A-High School
Blains and Bernedettes
Alice 21-27-37
T.C Academy
Snow Days
AmaryllisBrayWalker Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2011
I love reading your works.
BlackyPockPock Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You give such good advice to people. And, you make it FUN to read. It's very clever and, funny way to go.
Roland7749 Featured By Owner May 30, 2011
I for one think this is very true. I however disagree with the use of Kingdom Hearts as an example. Yes the main character is a kid/teen. Yes it is very much fantasy based and sometimes flat out strange. But the story is very good even if it has rough or confusing spots. Most good stories have at least a little confusion the first time you read it.
Not only that but the gameplay is flat out amazing. That game would have succeeded if it had no disney or final fantasy characters at all if it used the same gameplay. So before you write something off just because the main character is a kid, or because its super fantasy gameplay, just try it fist.
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner May 30, 2011
I've played the series already.
And a lot of this is meant to be sarcasm/a joke.
Roland7749 Featured By Owner May 31, 2011
Oh, well just so you know what you say is very true. I just like kingdom hearts :3
fox0509 Featured By Owner May 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
you forget haylf laif seerees. dat sheet be epik CROWBAR FTW! (i felt like it. i can actually spell)
Sugar-IceCream Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
by the way,
there is no such things as not-shitty parents
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011
Actually, I think there are.
Sugar-IceCream Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
really? Because in all successful series I've seen, the parents always abuse the kid. :3
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011

Sugar-IceCream Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sugar-IceCream Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
dang I suck at making stories. :I
The---Storyteller Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2011
I am gonna apply this to my stories. What makes me happy is that most of them have this stuff already. Marius and Belial say hi btw
The---Storyteller Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2011
I am gonna apply this to my stories. What makes me happy is that most of them have this stuff already. Marius and Belial say hi btw
invisible-chan Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010
I have decided that you are the most awesome person in all existence. May I bare your children, regardless of what gender you are? :XD:

Anyways, this is simply amazing, to put it lightly. (I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said so I'll end here before I end up making myself look dumb, if I haven't already that is)
UniversalCookie Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2010
you submitted this on my BIRTHDAAAAAYYY!!!!..

and all of these points are Xexcruciatingly painfulX AMAZING!! and it must have taken such passion and love to inform others of these important rules!!
YaoiMeowmaster Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2010
Ohthankgod. I didn't know it was satire until I started reading number 2.
WinterBloodDrop Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Nice FMA ref xD and I enjoy your substitute for Cliche C:
artificialcrow Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010
I will give you a hug.


was like potatoes in stew, cooked with hellfire and the souls of small children, with garlic and shredded wheat on top.

I love how you put in your comments that "Alan Moore's work is utter trash."
OF COURSE V for Vendetta is garbage; so is Watchmen. Under these wonderful rules you put up,
1. V is not under 17
2. The romance subplot is, quite literally, a handful of sentences. Obviously, this was NOT intentionally done by the writer.
3. Watchmen? It's not the same as Superman, so obviously it's no good by default.

This entire page is oozing with sarcasm; high humor is here.

Great job.
Bluejotain Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2010
"Youthful kid who casts magic with an awesome key that runs around in a colorful world or a guy wearing dull colors who hides under boxes" Ahahahahaaa XDD That cracked me up so bad XD Ironicall im fan of KH and MGS XD
WiredandGaming Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You forgot the part about the fanservice!
Punksk8ter1212 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2010
I OFFICIALLY love you :)
Weirddudeguy Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2010
You're right! Why talk your way out of a paper bag when you can fart and make it explode?
tala2lakota Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2010
I love you for this.
Cat-walk Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2010  Student
Wow. Now I know what (not) to do when I write my book. Thank you :)
blackslate00zero Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2010
MadMother88 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
See how it thrives like a fattened parasite on the succulent, rotting gut of a dead goat.
LOL I love the way you put things, it's hilarious!
Respeanut Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2010
I completely agree with 2, It pisses me off how people think EVERYONE needs to have a romantic partner to be truly happy :P
MadMother88 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
And I agree with you, I'm happy with just a friend lol
LadyNagorm Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
The main character in my story has a (secret) boyfriend... then he gets shot by her bodyguards. It's fun to torture my characters.
Angel-Hellion Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2010
"Heath Ledger isn't dead, he's at Candy Mountain."

Holy @#$ I love you xD The piece was great but that part just made my day xD
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