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April 22, 2010
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Wanna know how you can make your original works popular? Want people to salivate over every other thing you push out, regardless of how seemingly outlandish or silly? In a few easy steps, you, too, can have every fanboy and girl from North America to Japan licking the festering shit that spews forth from your anus delicious golden fame that drips from your very fingers.

1. No Adult Main Characters The key to a successful series is to never have the main character be a day over 17 years of age. It makes it more accessible to a more general audience and thus gives it more popularity through a wider fan base. Only young people in the prime of life can go on and join the military action-packed adventures of a lifetime and have the imagination capacity to sit through hours and hours of colorful drug-inspired bullshit that anyone over 30 would most likely scoff at. Also, adults are colorless and have no souls, thus why they can't ride unicorns or wield keyblades.
Have you ever seen a game with a main character over 30 ever become a bestselling or make a top ten list? Exactly. Or even more laughable, a game or movie with an old guy running the show and kicking the shit out of everyone. It's simply not realistic to think that a man over 40 can kick the shit out of bad guys when a 13-year-old kid could suffice. Especially with the power of youth on his side.
That's why games like Kingdom Hearts are infinitely more popular and exciting than games like Metal Gear Solid. Come on. Youthful kid who casts magic with an awesome key that runs around in a colorful world or a guy wearing dull colors who hides under boxes. You be the judge.

Plus, kids are just barrels more fun, what with the angst laughter and hourly trips to imagination-land and the constant need to scream or yell or be free of any sort of political turmoil in favor of more light-hearted things.

Likewise, only young characters can be hot and/or beautiful. This also sells far better than wrinkly or fat old bastards. How can a character be awesome if not attractive?
Physical attraction is one of many kinds of attraction, which leads to the next point.


2. Romance Got a romantic subplot? Good. Have it take up more than half of the book/film/and/or game. If a character does not have a romantic partner of some sort, he or she is not complete. Duh. Single people are single and therefore losers because they are unable to love themselves or others. You don't want your main character to be a loser. (Unless, you know, he or she -used- to have a lover but now only laments about "what could have been" because their love interest couldn't be saved/died/whatever, etc.) Also, everyone wants romance. Everyone. Just look at the shipping industry. See how it thrives like a fattened parasite on the succulent, rotting gut of a dead goat. Characters that are simply badass and/or attractive that show -no- romantic interest whatsoever don't exist. -Everyone- needs romance in their lives because having a character on their own doesn't make for good enough fan base drama loving yourself or being emotionally independent is an excuse for those who are unable to get laid.
Having a romance is the only way to show how "deep" and "emotional" your character is.


3. Sameness If something's been done before many, many times and people are still lapping it up, that means it's good. It's acceptable to make a main character with a pure heart and caring attitude that goes around without a single malicious thought in their heads because it sells. Some may call it "cliche." But really it's called, "who the fuck cares, you were stupid enough to buy my last six installments, why the shit wouldn't you cram this one down, too?" Besides, what person could say "no" to a warm-hearted good guy that scores with a girl that's realistically way out of his league? Only a heartless, overly-cynical critic, that's who. That, and people who "hate" because it's cool. Clicheness doesn't matter when the character is full of pure and good. Because good always triumphs. Duh.

4. Resolution Another great thing kids spend a lot of time doing is fighting the shit out of each other. That's why every conflict in your series should be solved with and/or lead up to a major fight. Sure, puzzles and logic are great once and a while, but that's dull and un-exciting. Why talk your way out of a paper bag when you can punch, kick, and/or rocket-launch your way out? Screw mediation through reason, this is fiction. We can easily dispose of everyone who doesn't agree with us and our point of view through a quick two-second combo of button pressing. It worked on the first five installments of that popular RPG you like,
so why the hell not try it on the internet while you're at it.
This entire work is not to be taken seriously and is almost entirely sarcastic.

Also,
Jack Thompson will be the savior of our children.
Sarah Palin for 2012.
Ashley Simpson would make a great live album.
Sparkling vampires are imaginative and cool.
James Cameron's Avatar was completely original.
Alan Moore's work is utter trash.
Stephen King is a jealous, bitter old man.
Heath Ledger isn't dead, he's at Candy Mountain.
There's no such thing as shitty parents.



As usual, feel free to point out spelling/grammar mistakes.
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:iconmasterofthestorm:
MasteroftheStorm Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2014  Hobbyist
Oh the sarcasm! :lmao:
Reply
:iconpaigemistleaf:
paigemistleaf Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
The description got me laughing my ass off lol. "Jack Thompson will be the savior of our children.
Sarah Palin for 2012...."
Reply
:iconthisisajfm:
ThisIsAJfM Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I almost fell for this until I saw step 3. xD
Reply
:iconaurora-celest:
aurora-celest Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013
Your sarcasm is just out of this world, baby! I love it! :D
Reply
:iconsonikkuruzu:
sonikkuruzu Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You, unlike a lot of people I know, can use sarcasm properly :iconclapplz:
Reply
:iconpietroschek:
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aye!
Reply
:iconkenchancake:
KenChanCake Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Oh wow, I thought this was legit until you said that romance should take up half the plot, then everything after that seemed ridiculous.
Reply
:iconstixwitdafix:
Stixwitdafix Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
I don't write any stories but I think I might follow this guide to see what happens. :mwahaha: And if I get fame I'll try not to kill myself. :D
Reply
:iconptlpyt:
PTLPYT Featured By Owner May 4, 2012
to name a few..... Deadpool,Wolverine,Punisher,Deathwing,Lich king,Illidan stormrage



should i continue about who is older then 30 or 17 and is pure badassness lol
Reply
:iconsinfulheaven:
SinfulHeaven Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
The Goddamn Batman.
Reply
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