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June 18, 2010
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Romance has always been a hot subject in the literary world. It's even gone so far as to permeate other genres such as horror, sci-fi, comedy, etc. But what is it that just makes it so popular? What are some special ingredients one can use to make one's special romance story work juuust right?

1. Chicks First and foremost, all chicks like romance. No exceptions. Every girl secretly wants someone else (ex. a hot male) to cuddle them and hold them and to tell them what to do whisper sweet wordings in her ear while he runs his fingers through her hair. They also want to feel safe and that nothing will hurt them when their big strong man is around. Tapping into the mind of chicks will allow you to better see and understand exactly what it is that makes romances so utterly amazing and magical and, basically, romantic.

2. Dark and Deadly Chicks like danger. And potential psychopaths. It gives them a thrill and the fact many of them mistake an antisocial and potentially psychopathic douchebag with no other adult male friends for tall, dark and brooding. This could be due to the fact the kitchen fumes often go to their heads or females themselves are usually highly unstable to begin with. In fact, the more unstable the background of the male character, the more desirable he is to the female protagonist. Why, you ask?
Let me ask you, why does Christine still love Eric even after the kidnappings and potential murder of her childhood friend? Why does 15-year-old Sarah (or at least the hoards of Labyrinth fangirls) still love the Goblin king even after he chased after a girl barely old enough to drive and stealing a baby to he could turn it into a hideously malformed minion?
Answer: who cares. Tight pants and a good singing voice absolves them from all of this.
As many males will find themselves hopelessly mesmerized by breasts and ass, no matter how obnoxious or unbelievable the girl, tight pants and singing and for some reason a tendency to kidnap shit ups the "attractivity" level of a male by at least six thousand percent. Why? Because chicks are goddamn crazy.
That's why this shit sells to begin with.

3. Chemistry For best results, always make sure the female is considerably younger than the male whom she is intended to fall in love with. The younger she is, the more romantic it is. Especially if she's a teenager and he's...older. It's often seen as "flattering" goddamn fucking creepy as shit in female culture if a considerably older male takes an interest in them, yes, even the bearded and horribly overweight ones at first. At first. This is largely because many females are vain and
would like to think they are more interesting than they actually are. Thus why they get offended when
males bring up "screwing" or anything non-romantically sexual in their presence. Because they think they deserve better and don't like to be viewed as one-dimensional sex objects without brains despite the fact many can't even fix a car or anything else and often are the first ones to jump when the lights go out or a horribly Satanic demon beast from the tenth level of hell known as a mouse pokes its furry head about. They, instead, would rather hear oceans and oceans of purple prose pouring out of the mouths of the male. This is largely because it is attributed to being a "gentleman" and because the actual truth is a lot more unforgivably hideous.

4. Gentlemen If he's polite, handsome, older, and harbors at least several potentially homicidal tendencies, he is a gentleman. No exceptions. Edward Cullen, the Phantom, the Goblin King, they all remain incredibly popular with the female populace and all share a mixture of those traits.
Edward = Comes from an earlier time, tousled bronze hair, wants to devour girlfriend = gentleman
Phantom = Genius in with artistic flair, great singing voice, wants to kill everyone = gentleman
Goblin King = Taste for elegance, has his own castle, dances well, big hair, pale = alternate reality British Michael Jackson SUPER DUPER gentleman
All these males also end up doing some insanely bizarre things to the under-aged beautiful women they love. Why give your girl a flower when you can take your love to the next step by nearly running her over with spikes, breaking her car, or attempting to blow up an opera house with her inside it?
Really, guys, THAT'S devotion. No wonder so many of you get dumped for vampires. Seriously, put down the X-Box and go run her over with your car.

5. Addiction Even after reading this, some of you may still wonder why girls harbor such a craving for such things. Many studies have been conducted, but a few have narrowed it down to certain possibly adverse effects by specific items such as
-inhaling too much cooking spray
-Lady Gaga
-Twilight
-chocolate
-the television being filled with nothing but TV soaps and Jerry Springer until the time the man gets back from work, to which the female is forced to make dinner while he commandeers the television set for a weekly ritual of sports and News, thus keeping her stuck in the kitchen and away from all the "good" TV that shows later in the afternoon, thus keeping her ignorant and thinking that such bizarre relationships are "normal."
-their mothers
-excessive genitalia bloodletting
-those fucking poser preps in high school
-years of oppression by men
-everyone else's fault but theirs

Whichever, these formulas have been proven to work time and again, so get out there, pick up a chocolate-scented pen, and write.
Some parts were a bit weak but I gotta go somewhere soon so feh.

Haven't written a How To in a while but I feel that I've written enough of these in the past so many of you guys know what to expect.
:I

As in blablabla Disclaimer: Not meant to be taken seriously, not meant to offend either gender, YES, I know some words used may not be actual words, YES, some things are unrealistic, this isn't meant to be looked into -that- hard, etc. etc. blablabla this is sarcasm, etc. not meant to be taken seriously.
Because there's always SOMEONE who doesn't get it at first. :I

Anyway, I always thought it was a bit creepy that there where all these works with older men with odd tendencies trying to seduce younger girls.
Twilight, Phantom of the Opera, Abarat (well, not so much as this one other than a number of females apparently find it "cute"? or some such that Christopher Carrion would fall in love with a 15 year old girl that resembled a dead chick he once knew...or something), Labyrinth, etc.
Not that these are bad works in themselves, mind you, or that I think they're bad.
Just the whole...relationship with some of the characters and how some react to them lol.
If you like them, okay, cool, but man, if I was there and some strange older man, no matter whoever the hell he was, was coming on to one of my 15 year old friends I woulda been like, damn, bitch, run!
I know a lot of chicks like older dudes, which is understandable to a degree, but some shit is just creepy.

Edit: Since some still manage to finds this "offensive" despite the disclaimer, I lampoon a lot of shit. Females aren't an exception. Especially when so many of them like taking their own gender so damn seriously (because everything needs to be redlined for some people, I didn't say -all-. But, yeah, face it, a lot of you do and quite a few of you would probably agree).
I notice some of you say that females weren't portrayed in a positive light in this piece and it bothered you.
Males weren't exactly "praised" in this either, yet I don't see people throwing a shit fit about that.
I've made fun of cliches in things from film, anime, males, females, yaoi, war games, etc.
If you aren't comfortable with your own gender enough to take another satire yet don't even bother complaining about the males being poked at or anything else, then don't bother reading. Nothing is sacred, everything can have humor. Just because it isn't "light" or contains sarcasm doesn't always mean it accurately represents what the artist thinks or that it's true. The fact some of you have told me (in regards to this work), "well, this isn't me, okay, I don't..." and then follow up with how "offensive" this was...
this isn't pointing fingers at -you.- This is an exaggeration in general and you need to stop being paranoid. A lot of people have realized this isn't serious. A lot of females are comfortable with it and know me well enough to realize that I'm making wide exaggerations.
If you visit my gallery, you'll realize that making fun of shit is pretty common, and I doubt one more satire will tarnish the female gender in the eyes of the world foreva.
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:iconstarglitter05:
StarGlitter05 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  New member
makes sense
Reply
:iconnegalisticblast:
NegalisticBLAST Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
 Oh my gosh I laughed so hard when I read this XD, I now know how to write a hot romance, thanks!
Reply
:iconandrewbaay:
andrewbaay Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Student Digital Artist
:D i love it haahahha
Reply
:iconfantasycca:
fantasycca Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Le me(girl) reading this:
Pfft, screw that stupid romance fluff, gimme the bloodeh awesome action fiction ^-^
Reply
:iconsolemnhour2012:
solemnhour2012 Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
Love it! A little offensive, but I really don't care...great work:-)
Reply
:icondojangdoll:
DojangDoll Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
This is the most entertaining thing I've read in a long while! Very well worded as well, the flow and elegance in the choice of your words are just so mesmerizing to read.
Reply
:iconlilithmerau:
lilithmerau Featured By Owner May 21, 2013
some people are just stupid enough to take this seriously and go all dark ages on you. but dont bother with them. i have a bff like this and best thing to do is ignore and have your fun with people who know how to have fun.
Reply
:iconscr1b3:
Scr1b3 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
horribly Satanic demon beast from the tenth level of hell known as a mouse - :rofl:
Reply
:icondolphinskiss:
DolphinsKiss Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
a mouse! :rofl:
Reply
:iconcrystal-clear-blue:
Crystal-Clear-Blue Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Dear person who wrote this How to:
I'm a girl (REALLY, I am) and I find this hard to 'relate' with my way of writing a romance fic.

1. True, the younger they are, the more dirty thoughts they have...(Not only that, their writing is like...faster than Sonic and a F-Zero racecar combined...add that with likely horrible grammar...*ugh* Some were good but didn't make any sense.)

2. Dark, true. All girls love a guy with dark, broody pasts, so they can place their sympathy on. (Blame it on the Japanese Anime, it's the reason why all girls love guys like them. *OMGCloudStrifeplz!?* :D ) Deadly, hmm...depends on the writer's definition on 'deadly' here. Just because he's holding a gun or a sword, doesn't mean he's cool, hot or sexy. It's just a prop and who knows if the guy knows how to use it 'well'? what if he doesn't? (Did I ever mention that girls love a guy that can fight? It scores points on the 'badass' meter.)

3. Are you implying that underage "sexual intercourse" is a good thing and all men are crazy stalkers? Then, I'm sorry I can't agree with that one. (Crazy fangirls say "Yes, it's normal for a 'hot' guy to stalk at my window and I'll totally date him!" ...Meh.)

4. Polite, check! Handsome, check! Older, Hmm...he's the same age as I am, doesn't it count?...Bah, whatever! check! Lastly, harbors at least several potentially homicidal tendencies, that's obviously a 'no'. So, cross. But does that mean he's not a gentlemen? No.

5. (In a nutshell) "Get in the kitchen, bitch! And make me a sandwich!"
*Housewife deeply sighs and doesn't want to make him a sandwich but does it anyway*

I hope you like what I wrote and feel free to reply.

From,
Crystal-Clear-Blue

P.S. If you want to take this comment seriously, then bring it on.
Reply
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