Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:iconin-the-machine: More from In-The-Machine

Featured in Collections

Journals, rants, and reviews by 100Italics

Amazing by XEarlGreyX

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
October 27, 2012


46 (who?)
I'm just going to dub it "Reverse Nice Guy Syndrome" for now because I don't know if there's a proper title for it, but I've noticed that there's a peculiar little bug that hits various people (although certainly not limited to "guys") that causes them to genuinely believe other people (or certain individuals) "owe" them attraction. In short, it's basically like "Nice Guy" syndrome in that it involves a feeling of self-entitlement, but in this case it can sometimes be a somewhat backwards attempt at empowerment in that the "syndrome" causes people to believe that if another person does not feel attracted to them, physically or otherwise, it is automatically the other person's fault entirely, and they are labelled as "shallow" (or an asshole, jerk, bitch, haughty, etc.) simply because they do not have an attraction to or possess a desire to sleep with the "deserving" individual. Like the "Nice Guy," the person always feels like they are the victim in the situation, and in many cases is not content with "just friendship." The "reverse nice person" will also often feel a sense of bitterness at a lack of perceived "owed attraction" and may take it out on others by being passive-aggressive, condescending, or accusatory. A lot of this syndrome can often stem from individuals with poor body image or internal struggles with accepting their appearance, but instead of coming to terms with the fact that many different people have different preferences and dealing with their image issues in more positive ways, they take it out on others.
And that's where I have a problem with this.

I can understand it when people struggle with weight, bad hair, certain things they don't like about their face, physical insecurities, etc. or whatever because many people go through with things like that and it's not always easy and sometimes it takes a long time for people to accept those things about themselves, but the second you cop a "get in my bed or get out of my face" attitude, my patience drastically dwindles. It may be in part due to parents or certain authority figures trying to instill a sense of self-confidence or empowerment in their kids while they're young by teaching them "if someone doesn't like you because of your weight, hair, nose, etc. or doesn't think you're pretty or handsome then those other kids can go screw themselves," but the intention may have been an -attempt- at positivity, it's warped. And the fact that some people think that they can take out their rage over unrequited attraction at others in various forms is, frankly, wrong and fucked up.
Yes, it is often wrong to treat people differently or like "lesser" human beings because of the way they look or simply because -you- don't find them attractive (ex. like how someone may be more polite and generous to a girl that's dolled up instead of one that isn't or how some people will act like normal civil human beings until some awkward-looking gangly kid with acne comes along and then the behavior turns outright sour). That's obviously wrong and unacceptable and I can understand why people would be upset over bullying or unfair treatment over appearances in those cases because it's like," okay we're gonna be normal civil human beings unless it involves a person we're not attracted to because a person deserves less of my civility if they're not good-looking to me."
But when you think people "owe" you attraction and think along the lines of, "well, if so-and-so doesn't think I'm good-looking, handsome, pretty, etc. and they don't want to date me then fuck them they are an asshole." Or, hell, just even the mentality of, "if someone doesn't think I'm attractive or isn't attracted to me then they're shallow and can go fuck themselves," even when the person has never had a history of treating you poorly due to your appearance, is highly problematic.
That's the biggest thing that bothers me about this mentality. Look, I really don't care if you're the most confident person in the world or the meekest person in the world, if you think people automatically owe you their attraction or should possess an innate desire to sleep with you or be with you, you're delusional and self-entitled. Period. You can throw endless tirades and fits about how people who aren't attracted to you or your body/appearance are automatically "shallow" or "assholes" or "aren't worth your time," but I reckon that will just want to make them be with you less. It also makes you look like brat with a huge complex and sense of self-entitlement. In the real world, people aren't going to magically and automatically switch their personal preferences and desires around because -you- think they owe it to you to do so.
Whenever I see stuff like:
"that guy chose some skinny girl over me what a fucking shallow piece of shit how DARE he go for that stick-thin skank i could so do so much better guess he doesn't want a REAL girl fuck both those assholes what a shallow dickhead"
"goddamnit she went for that bigger hulking guy i cant fucking believe this i guess girls like her really are all shallow whores who cant recognize a decent normal man when they see one guess she doesnt dig guys that are down-to-earth like me i guess that cunt doesnt have taste"

It makes it...infinitely harder to be sympathetic towards someone with that mentality in any. Like...infinitely harder. Especially when the "reverse nice" person then finds it acceptable to keep making advances on the person that said "no" in the first place and attempts to "guilt" them into being attracted to them. As someone who has had somewhat similar experience with these kids of people as well as friends who dealt with these people on an almost 'stalker'/harassment level, I'm a lot more likely to become aggressive towards you than sympathetic if your "oh woe is me" fuckfaced behavior continues and escalates to something higher. For example, as someone with a skinnier body, I've had some people exude this mentality that if skinny people weren't automatically attracted to a "bigger" person (oddly this "bigger" person would always be the same individual bringing it up) that it makes them automatically "shallow" (despite the fact that, preference-wise, there are times when you can find some people of a certain body type attractive while another person with a very similar body type not-so-attractive, same can be applied to bigger or smaller people, although this doesn't have to be limited to weight and can be applied to other aspects of appearances) Likewise, I notice people with those expectations often cop the same "woe is me i guess your just SHALLOW for not going out with me or thinking that I'm hot" mentality, when having a personality like that and being vocal about how you think people need to "want me or fuck you get out of my face" mentality is just a massive repellant for people who don't appreciate attempts at "guilting" or passive aggression (or plain outright aggression) just because you think people owe you their attraction. It's childish and it's delusional. And at best it makes you look like a spoiled brat while at worst it makes you look like an angry, hostile pressuring bully.

Same thing when some people have certain people express attraction to them after they change something about their appearances. I know the thought process behind it is "well if they really like me for who i am they'd wanted to have gone out with me before i lost weight/cut my hair/shaved/etc." but the same sort of idea can also apply. People have different attractions. I know there were times in the past when I didn't feel attracted to someone until they got a haircut or grew it out or lost or gained weight, but while that didn't necessarily mean I wanted to go out with them or be with them, I can't help what I'm attracted to and I can't say that I necessarily feel bad about it either. If it were a case of, "i was treated like dirt until i put on makeup and did my hair a certain way" or "these people used to treat me like shit and make fun of me until i hit the gym and got toned and now they talk nice to me" or whatever, I could see the frustration on some level because that involves others being nice and civil to a person based on appearances. Then there are cases where it's less about common civility and more about people being upset over the fact that others didn't express attraction or romantic interest until they lost a bunch of pounds or used to look look a homeless person with extra miles of hair and then 'cleaned up' and started noticing people coming on to them, but again, different people are going to be attracted to different things. Some might come onto one type of appearance, while others might find another kind attractive. It's always going to depend for different people, but people don't owe you unconditional attraction.
Add a Comment:
SoloSyndrome Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I notice this a lot with guys (meme sites and real life). Not denying it doesn't happen with girls, just my personal experience. It makes it extremely hard for me to be nice and interested in a guy because I always feel like if I just can't normally want a friendship level. If I only show a slight normal friendly interest, I immediately must be interested to crawl into their beds. If I turn out not to, some get extremely pushy and/or disrespectful. It really comes over as if I am something to be won over or owned, not as if I have my own brain and my own attractions.

Also, only a few guys are like that. Most of them can be extremely friendly and interested in a friendship with girls, but it's those few guys that ruin it for the rest, because they make me paranoid.
MileniaKitsuvee Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh this describes someone I knew since High School. I knew from the beginning they were going to be like that (they exhibited the whole "nice guy syndrome" from the start but since they were a friend of a friend's I tried to be nice and even didn't mind hanging out with them when I was with my friends.)

Sadly they could not accept their place as "just friends" and was always throwing "clues" or saying to other people how "that girl doesn't give me a chance she just stuck me on the friend zone" and even though I clearly stated I was not interested in anything but friendship they kept on with advances and shit. And worse part is some people even tried to make me like them/pair me with them.

Since I never "budged" they turned around and started bashing everything me or my friend would like/posted both online and irl. I was also suddenly classified as a "shallow bitch" and they were always posting "nice guys finish last" posts on their social sites and saying things to others like "yeah man girls only want bad boys fuck that shit they're as shallow as hell" or started making sexist comments sometimes when me or my friend was around. :/

Worst thing is though, they are still like that. .__.

So in short; I understand where you're coming from.
Teavian Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Student General Artist
I have a friend who is a little like that. He's a pretty nice enough guy but when it comes to relationship situations, he always says he "needs" a girlfriend to be happy, and that no girl ever gives him a chance, that they're all shallow for it, that the nice guys always finish last. He even lets himself stay in dead-end relationships just so he doesn't have to be single. I just think he wants to be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. And he does tend to blame people a lot for problems sometimes, kind of a drama machine.
In-The-Zone Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Reminds me exactly of the stupid "Friend Zoned" meme made by guys who whine on reddit and other off branch 4chan sites.

I've dealt with all types of people you mentioned. The dolled up thing with people doing favors for me or just being nice, and the stupid guys who thought they could take a gamble and push the boundaries further by asking personal questions or worse because they gave no actual fucks that my boyfriend existed.

One time a guy from a fandom of a band I like was chatting with me for about a month and he sent me some of his art prints on my texting number.

An unusual chat occured when he started telling me of hos sex life and I was listening anyway but not revealing any personal info. So while he's trying to get the info out of me and gushing over me, he sends me a pic of his chest. Moobs. Thats right, moobs. Guess who had the phone? Not me. So bf asks wtf is thst pic of and I'm like I don't know. Then this horndog tells me he's embarasses and asks for validation if he looks ok. I'm like "dude, you sent that to my bf, he has my phone at work" and he trips over himself rather ashamed. My bf thinks this guy was hitting on me so he politely told him to scram.

I stopped talking to the guy after that incident, but it wasn't because of the moobs pic. It was his beligerant sexual desire to capture my atttraction and he kept showing me pics of himself for validation. I liked some of
His art, and he wasn't a bad looking guy, he was just a sad desperate person and I know to stay de fuq away from these types because they do not give a fuck if you say "hey uh not cool" until a boyfriend pops in.

I have more stories.
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012
(sorry for the late reply, my time on here has been more sporadic lately)
Given the audacity and sheer creepiness of that man's behavior, I wouldn't have blamed your boyfriend if he had given the guy a less-than-courteous response. He seems like he has this mentality of, "i like girl therefore it must be acceptable to keep pushing things onto said girl."

The fact "stories" like this are so prevalent for so many women just makes it worse. It's like an epidemic.
In-The-Zone Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's okay. Also sorry for the typos I was on my phone. I just came back from a con, and I kept hearing of those kinda situations happening to other girls as well.

I dunno why, I mean there are plenty of dudes who respect a girl's boundaries but I dunno why they feel the need to take a gamble with odds highly stacked against them. They just do it anyway, and often the case is that they are drunk, or arrogant and desperate or all three.
Boofeh Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have two larger friends - one male and one female - and for a while there they clicked wonderfully and we thought that they might start dating. They're both good friends of mine, I think they're both actually reasonably attractive and I wanted to see them be happy with each other.
But then it came out that he was not attracted to her for whatever reason and decided that he was better off moving on. He broke the news to her as lightly as possible and tiptoed on his way.

The days following she acted as if the world was falling down around her and fuck him because he was a shallow sonofabitch just because she's a larger girl and he's a fat bastard she could do so much better and why don't guys ever like larger girls cry cry whine whine. She got over that eventually but her way of dealing with the pain his rejection had caused her was to act like the victim. We all got pretty sick of it pretty quickly.
PullItApart Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
The people who suffer from this kind of run too strongly on emotion, you know? They don't try to think about why the other person might not be attracted to them, they just assume they're a douche and leave it at that. It's important to be able to step out of a situation and see it from their perspective. If someone doesn't like you, don't assume they're just a hateful jerk, because then you're subconsciously building a list of people you think are hateful jerks and really you're just becoming a hateful jerk yourself.
In-The-Machine Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
I realize a lot of it is emotional for these individuals, but at the same time, these same people don't do a good job of taking in the perspective of others as well, thus the behavior. And it's harder to be sympathetic when they tend to take that anger or frustration and push the blame onto others or use it to engage in increasingly unwanted behavior. At some point, it stops being "try to understand/sympathize with these suffering individuals" and more "if you don't stop your passive aggressive/stalker/arrogant self-centric mentality the real world is going to be a lot tougher on you."
PullItApart Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
Yeah, that's what I meant to say. I don't know if what I said came across as a defense for these people, but I didn't mean for it to be.
Add a Comment: