Wii Would Like to Play

Little Susan B. stood staring at the thing before her in disbelief.
"Fat," she said. "I'm fat?"

"I'm a machine. Machines don't lie."

"But I'm ten."

"Ten and fat."

"But how can you tell? There's gotta be some mistake."

"Okay, kid, listen up. I've got your goddamn height and BMI right here. Right here inside me.
And according to my records, you suck at boxing, you suck at running, your physical age is that of a 48-year-old male and you suck at Brawl."

"Hey, you're being mean!"

"I'm not mean. I'm a machine. Can't take playing with me? If you don't like it then take yourself somewhere else and maybe go and play with the other babies outside in the sandbox. In the sun. With other actual humans. Like a sissy. Go ahead. You're obviously not man enough to play with this."

The Nintendo Wii puffed out his chest as little Susan B. ran away crying to the sandbox.

A short distance away, PS3 and 360 frowned disapprovingly. PS3 sighed.

"Man, I don't know what happened to him. I remember when he used to be so, I don't know, innocent, you know? Back when we were young we never had this problem. It was always, "hey, let's just have fun!" you know? Now it's just bitches don't know 'bout mah joystick, ahurr."

"I am not fat," growled 360 angrily to himself.

"Look, dude, he didn't mean it. I mean, yeah, he's a jackass now but maybe if-"

"HEY, DOUCHEBAGS!" called Wii.

"Oh Jesus Christ, here he comes..." whispered PS3.

Wii sauntered up to them and poked PS3 in the chest. "Hey, faggots. Don't you know that white is right?
We don't want, uh, your kind around here."

"Bitch, I will knock your white ass into-"

"Not so fast, X-Man," said PS3 as he stepped between the two. "There's no need to be a dick, Wii.
Besides, 360's color is kinda white. Or maybe beige. And, hey WAIT, what the hell's wrong with my color?!"

"Aw, nuthin'," Wii said slyly. "It's just...ya know...everything. Face it, man. You're big, you're bulky, and you could lose a few. Oh, and you're black. So why don't you just get off my turf. You're scarin' the kids."

PS3 tried to bite back his anger as he stared down at the smaller, whiter machine. "Well, maybe games ain't just for kids. Maybe the kids can suck a dick. Maybe some of us have moved on. Unlike you," he growled. "Maybe some of us have, I don't know, Wii, gotten more mature. Maybe we stopped settling on petty things. Maybe we re-adjusted our hardware. Maybe we grew up." PS3 suddenly smiled.

"Maybe our graphics grew up."

Wii stared at him in disbelief. "What...what the fuck did you just say to me....?"

PS3 took a deep breath, bracing for a fight. "I said, 'maybe our graphics grew. Up.'"

Wii couldn't believe what he was hearing. This...this big, black, bulky thing was insulting him. Right here. In public. And people were starting to stare.

"Y'see, Wii. You know something. You're right. Sure. You're sleek. You're small." PS3 stared right at him. "And you're white. But you know what-" Here, 360 and PS3 exchanged wide smiles.
"We may be big, but at least we don't have to wear our grandmother's hand-me-down polygons."

360 saw the opening and swooped in.

"Pokemon? More like just choke me, mon.

"Hey, Wii. While you were busy hopping on mushrooms and -attempting- to score with da princess, I was busy riding a pegasus and decimating everyone and their mother with flame whips while killing Zeus."

"Hey, Wii. while you were busy playing Kiddy Kart with flowers and clouds, I was haulin' guns and annihilating alien scum. With plasma guns and a sweet helmet."

"Way better than running around like a douche in green tights, man."

"Way better, bro. I'd take getting ripped in half by city-sized tentacles in space than ever being caught
dead playing Super Mario Fallacy."

"Wii Fit? More like Wii Shit."

Wii's rage finally began to boil over and his circuits began to overheat. "WELL, FUUUUUCK YOU GUYS.
I. AM. OUTTA HERE. I'm too cool for you jackasses anyway. Now if you'll excuse me," Wii huffed as he pushed both of them aside. "I have small magical animals to enslave and torture in little balls."
He cast a final glance back.
"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS LINE UP FOR -HOURS- TO PLAY WITH MY 'MOTE," he yelled before finally turning his back and running off into the sunset.

360 and PS3 smiled happily. "Dude...no matter what he or anyone says, we're both the shit. And no one can take that away from us. So what if we're not small and white like him. Fuck that. People still love us.
I love you, bro." They embraced.

"I love you too, 360. I love you so hard. I'll push your buttons any day."

"That's what PSP said."

"WHAT. YOU LEAVE MY LITTLE SISTER OUT OF THIS, YOU FUCKER," PS3 suddenly raged angrily. "I -KNEW- something was going on. People always takin' advantage of her because she's so small and portable!"

"Hey, man, everybody -knew- except you." 360 said defensively. "She was just so little and-"

"OH MY GOD, SHE'S NOT EVEN HALF YOUR SIZE, YOU ASSHOLE. You couldn't have waited until they made her a slightly bigger model?! Fuckin' jailbait, motherfucker! Jailbait!"

"Whaddaya gon' do about it? Huh? You -and- your less superior graphics. I could fuck you up. Man, I got Halo."

"God of War, bitch."

"Bring it, you're  just a fanboy compared to me. Learn to roll with the big boys and maybe people will start giving a shit about what comes out of your mouth."

"Speaking of mouths, your mother has an 80 percent swallow rate."

"Your mom can't keep her hands off me."

"Fuck, we'll settle this online."

"Hey, PSdickhole. You need to pay to play with me. And since you failed to sell-"

"Your mother," said PS3.

-------

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS console arguments are retarded. They may start out funny, but eventually they'll just drag on into something stupid and pointless and end with someone's mother being insulted or both parties throwing shit fits like angry three-year-olds.


Actually,


there is no moral.

<sub>I just wanted to write something with cussing.

The end.</sub>